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My False Sense of Self-Esteem, As Propagated By My Wife

Does she really think I'm sexy, or is she just saying due to ulterior motives?

Does she really think I’m sexy, or is she just saying due to ulterior motives?

Ethan’s post tells one man’s side of the story. You know, the one where the lovable husband has accidentally let his physical appearance go (just a bit).

This is the other side of that story. This is the story of a guy who is trying to get back into peak physical condition, but, like Ethan, has a wife that loves him so much, she lures him into a false sense of security when it comes to his body image so he begins to say ‘Good Enough!’ instead of meeting his goals.

Don’t get me wrong, having the unconditional love and support of my wife means the world to me. But there’s treachery afoot.

My wife is always telling me how “hot” I am and complimenting my “well-sculpted” physique. Being the individual that I am, those compliments go straight to my head. Her vocalized perception that I have reached the pinnacle of hotness not only boosts my self-esteem and confidence, but her comments also assures me that no real harm can happen if I eat an additional iced sugar cookie (or 11, give or take) coupled with a disturbingly large dessert.

It’s good that she supports me and finds me attractive. I’ve had conversations with her where I pose the most important question in a marriage, “Will you still love me if I get horribly fat?” Unwavering, her response is always the same.

How fat?”

J/K, everyone. She reaffirms her unconditional love for me, even if I were to ever attain the mass of two (or three!) Comic Bill Brumbachs.

So, because I’m a sick individual*, I spent some time thinking of the possible ulterior motives my wife may have for being so complimentary of my physical appearance.

Competition.

My wife is very competitive**. If I go out and run 7 miles, she’ll secretly sneak away and run 8. That’s just the kind of relationship we have, except whenever I beat her, I have a tendency to gloat**. My wife is a much more graceful victor than I, something I feel comfortable admitting to her face because who could seriously gloat over being called a “graceful victor”?

But being that she is a much more graceful victor than I, that doesn’t mean that she won’t engage in sneaky underhanded ways to come out ahead.

Case in point, our fitness levels have become a source of competition recently and my wife has decided that as of right now, I am the victor (but only because she hasn’t really had a whole lot of time to hit the gym recently). Rather than admit defeat, I’m almost certain she’s luring me into that false sense of security regarding my physical fitness, so that I slack off, start to eat less-than-healthy foods/portions which will ultimately allow her to surpass me (again) and reign victorious.

Or even worse, what if she’s luring me into a false sense of fitness security so that I lose motivation to keep exercising and she surpasses my physical fitness just to maintain her physical dominance over me? She’s already “accidentally” beat me up on several occassions (as chronicled on this website), and maybe this new scheme is her way of regaining that psychological dominance over me again.

Security.

My wife doesn’t have security issues, but let’s be honest if your husband/wife works out a lot and is ridiculously attractive, they’re still in high demand as a sexual mate. Amiright?

Maybe my wife loves me so much, she wants to lure me into a false sense of security so I stop working out as much, eat more, and put on some unwanted pounds so I’m less desirable to other people (both women and men).

But really, all she’d really have to do is advertise my writings on this website and any chance of someone finding my sexually attractive just went out the window. I’m clearly damaged goods, but I’m her damaged goods.

Jealousy.

You know how when there’s something you really want and someone else has it, so you just keep complimenting that other person on the thing they have that you covet?

Yeah, me neither. But I guess people women do it all the time.

She Wants Something.

I’d never assume that my wife was buttering me up for some big request with all the compliments she’s been hurling my way. That’s more my style.

Me: Sweetheart, you look beautiful today! Your face is glowing and your hair looks immaculate!

Wife: What do you want?

Me: WHAT????? I’m offended! Is there something wrong with paying my beautiful wife a compliment!

Wife: No, there’s not. It’s just that you only compliment me as a precursor to asking for something you want.

Me: That’s preposterous! I would never do such a thing! But while we’re talking about it, kayaks are on sale at Dick Sporting Goods and Father’s Day IS right around the corner. I know how much you’d hate to miss a sale, so really I’m just doing you a favor***.

Considering she’s been paying me these compliments for a while and hasn’t asked for anything in return (outside of the standard shoulder/foot massage and cleaning up around the house), I’d say this is probably the least likely option.

She’s Being Genuine.

Given her affectionate nature, I’d say this is probably the most likely explanation, but I’d rather not leave any stone unturned.

Deep in my heart, I honestly believe she’s complimenting so I lose my motivation and she can sneak up and reclaim her throne as FITTEST PERSON IN THE HOUSEHOLD (trademark pending).

###

* No, seriously, he is. The fact that he’s writing this footnote right now should be evidence enough. He’s currently writing in third person omniscient and is fully aware he’s doing it… but I guess that goes with the whole omniscient thing, right?

** UNDERSTATEMENT.

*** HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT!!!!!!

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