Solid Observations / Writies

I’m a Filthy Slob of a Husband

Being a filthy jerk is not the path to Model Husbandness.

Being a filthy jerk is not the path to Model Husbandness.

By: Bill Brumbach

Although I’m still upset that Ethan won the 2012 HoTY Award (I truly suspect Lance Armstrong amounts of doping), I guess I can understand why. I probably wasn’t a legitimate contender for the award because I’m a filthy slob. The fact that I’m a filthy slob has enraged my wife so much, I’m fairly sure she deducted numerous points from my scores, resulting in my bottom-feeding status among HoTY participants. I’m a slob. I can accept that, but my wife can’t. I’m on my 24th day of working in a row (without a day off), so the last thing I want to do is come home and clean up after myself.  So in the truest purpose of this website, I’ve come up with some advice for other men who are also slobs to minimize how angry they make their wives as a result of their disgusting ways.

Don’t sleep in the bed, sleep ON the bed.

My wife works nights, which means sometimes I have to sleep alone. I don’t know about your wives, but some wives love nothing more than a nicely made bed. It’s like expensive lotion from Bath and Body Works or a 90 minute massage or something. For whatever reason, it really makes them happy. Kind of like free steak and blowjob night at Hooters makes guys happy (only available at the Tijuana Hooters).

I can honestly say I haven’t made the bed to completion in several years. Who really has the time? Well, besides women of course. They find time to do so many things, time that I normally dedicate to scratching myself, ripping phone books, burping loudly, or drinking in excess while watching competitive sports on the TV. So when my wife makes the bed and has to work that night, I know the trap she’s trying to set. She’s fishing for something to get upset about. I’ll play your game you rogue.

See, I sleep on top of the bed to avoid ruining the neatly tucked sheets and blankets. Never mind that I’m swallowed in countless decorative pillows (all of which are extremely uncomfortable), I do it out of love. I take pictures of her elaborate pillow arrangement so I can replicate it before she gets home in the morning. Then she sleeps in the bed and any damage to her perfectly tucked sheets and blankets is on her head. Game, set, match.

The best part? She thinks I was a sweetheart and made the bed for her. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hire a maid.

Sometimes my wife goes away for the weekend and leaves me to my own slobbish devices. In the past, I’ve lived as I normally would (leaving plates in the sink, messes where I’ve eaten, clothes laying around when I decide to watch TV in the nude). Do you know how mad she gets when she returns home to a mess? FRACKIN’ PISSED. She *assumes* I spent all of my time loafing around instead of cleaning up the house.

When your lady leaves for a weekend, LIVE IT UP. Then hire a maid to come clean the house to completion early the day she’s supposed to return. The house will be so clean, she’ll attribute it to your love and respect for her, and she’ll probably felate you right then and there. So ipso facto, you’d be paying a maid for sex.

Keep your sh*t contained.

You know those trays you used during school lunches that had little walls that separated your food so it didn’t run together? Brilliant. The same should apply to your slobbishness. If you can manage to keep it contained to small areas where you normally reside (your side of the bed, a special chair you persistently use when watching TV in the nude, etc.) and keep your filth from seeping into areas of the house where she normally resides, this can really help mitigate how mad your wife gets at you for your filthy habits.

Getting ready to eat a delicious meal? Lay some newspaper out on the table and feast away. Any spillage you have has been caught by the newspaper. When done with your meal, just collect the newspapers and throw them away. The amount of effort you would have to use is minimal, and your wife will really appreciate your effort.

Pee sitting down.

This is blasphemy for some guys, but I say it’s time for a pissing revolution! We don’t have urinals in our house and I don’t know many people who do. So the probability of getting piss on the floor/toilet seat if you stand up to pee is substantially high. Add in the fact that in the wee hours of the night/morning you probably “radar piss” (keep going until you know you’ve hit water), the chances of you peeing on the floor/seat are like, at least 1,000%.

Sitting down when you piss is actually pretty relaxing and not in any way emasculating. It gives me more time to play on my phone. It allows me to determine if my underwear has enough skid marks to warrant them being thrown out. It ensures you don’t get piss on the floor/toilet seat and avoid fights with your wife. So just pee sitting down. It’s not that bad.

Eat frozen food that comes in disposable packaging

Warm it up, eat it, throw the container away. Total dishes used in the process: just silverware. The amount of time it takes to put a fork or a spoon in the dishwasher is infinitesimal. Extra man-points if you don’t even use utensils.

For some reason, women love to use plates and cups and whatnot. I never understood this. EAT WITH YOUR HANDS LADY. It’s sexy. It makes me think of other things you might put into your mouth with your hands. The fact that you’re so insistent on using sharp and painful looking utensils to put things in your mouth is rather frightening.

Seriously.

You’re welcome, America.

One thought on “I’m a Filthy Slob of a Husband

  1. Pingback: Home Alone |

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