There will come a point in time when you as the model husband will be asked to attend a work function with your wife. Should you be the loose cannon type, your wife might be a bit nervous to extend this invitation, instead opting to just fly solo or even hire a “stand-in” for the evening. It’s not that she’s ashamed of you it’s just that your conduct, while cute and often times hilarious in the confines of your private residence, doesn’t exactly translate to situations where one false step might ruin your wife’s possibility for upward movement in her company. Being that this could create a potential for stress in your marriage, I’ve put together a few pointers to consider when schmoozing with her peers.
Identify Her Superiors Right Off The Bat
There’s nothing more embarrassing than having a drunken rap battle with your wife’s coworkers while her direct supervisor stands within earshot of the contest. While some may find this amusing (which fortunately happened during that scenario) others may find such things immature and see it as evidence of your wife’s poor judgment. This is why, before you start drinking you should identify anyone at the party that has any sort of control over your lady’s job. Once they’re identified, politely introduce yourself than apologize in advance for the spectacle you may or may not cause as the night progresses. They’ll appreciate your honesty and and may even be impressed by your forward thinking. Then your only goal for the night is too avoid them at all costs and hope that they depart early, thus allowing you to let down your guard a bit and begin the process of giving everyone there things to laugh about later on in the week. Should they decide to stick around, that means that they approve so turn it up a notch so they feel like part of the gang.
Be Cautious With Your Karaoke
Even though it tends to turn into a train wreck, sometimes employers see karaoke as a way to let their employees loosen up a bit at the end of a tough week. If you happen to get invited, make sure to be very careful about the songs you sing while on stage. If you’re not willing to give it your all, don’t even sign up because this could be seen as a sign of weakness and again, reflect on your wife’s judgment. Women that are married to cowards are cowards themselves, so prove your bravery by singing loud, singing proud and working the crowd like a Vegas style showman. If a group of people don’t force the microphone from your hands, you’re not showing enough passion. If you’re not sure what to sing, Meatloaf’s “I would Do anything for love”, Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” and Garth Brook’s “Standing Outside The Fire” are all sure bets.
Shots are always a game changer, so be prepared for being offered a couple and the resulting antics. Even if you tend to get out of hand after consuming hard liquor, never turn down a shot. It’s rude and like I mentioned above, you don’t want people to think your wife has a rude husband. See the thing people don’t know about shots is that responsibility for your actions is automatically transferred to the person who handed you the shot, thus protecting you from any post shot judgment. While you should definitely try to keep yourself in check, be comfortable knowing that there’s someone to blame if you happen to dance till you poop in your pants.
If you happen to be a decent looking dude, expect the possibility of your wife’s female coworkers dragging you onto the dance floor once they’ve had enough to drink. DO NOT GRIND WITH THEM! I can’t stress this enough. Close dancing could be interpreted negatively by onlookers, especially if aforementioned woman has a significant other present. Instead, make the dancing competitive so as to keep your distance. No one takes a good ole fashioned dance fight offensively.
If no one is dancing at all, it’s your responsibility as the new guy to initiate the dancing. Start by running to the middle of the empty dance floor and performing a choreographed number (which you should have prepared prior to learning of the event) and gauge the audience for their enjoyment/appreciation. If people appear to be indifferent to the dancing, shimmy over to them and dance really close to them so they can plainly see how much fun you’re having. If they still can’t, dance backwards while maintaining eye contact until you make your way to other potential dancers.
Learn Business Lingo
If you’re like me, you have absolutely no idea how to have business related conversations, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fake it. The best way to do this is to be proactive with others by asking them, “Hey, how are your stocks and bonds doing?” If all goes according to plan, they’ll talk your ear off about such things for a couple minutes and then ask you. The best response is to say , “Just when things are looking up, they come crashing back down!” then laugh hysterically. If they’re worth their weight in stock talk, they’ll laugh too because this is how the stock market works. After that, excuse yourself to the bathroom and hope they don’t have a follow-up.
Give Your Wiener a Back Up Shake
Because you’ll be consuming alcohol, you can expect many visits to the restroom throughout the night. Don’t be in such a rush to get back to the action as to neglect the very important conclusion to urination. Once you’ve finished, give your penis a couple shakes to make sure everything comes out and then just to be cautious, a couple more. There’s nothing worse than explaining why the crotch of your khakis is a darker shade than the rest of your pants. I hate to sound like a broken record, but you don’t want to ruin your wife’s reputation by sticking her with the nickname “Mrs. Pee Pants”.
There are plenty more where that came from, so stick around for and remember, if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem!