It’s early February, and you know what that means boys.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Just a reminder. You might want to do something for the special lady in your life. You’ll be glad you did, because if you don’t, well, haha, it’s your penis’s funeral.

Doing something sweet/nice for your lady on Valentine’s Day is just one of the many requirements for being in a marriage/relationship. It fits somewhere between shaving your balls and cuddling after sex. You’re expected to do it, even if you really don’t want to.

That being said, if you’re just doing something on Valentine’s Day, you’re doing the bare minimum. ANYONE can be sweet/nice to their lover one day every year, but if you take my advice and do some of these things, your wife/girlfriend will be so impressed with you, she’ll throw such vast amounts of vagina your way you’ll have to check yourself into the Betty Ford Clinic for sex addiction.

Let me start by saying, my wife reads this blog. Your wife/girlfriend may not know YOU read my blog. Advantage YOU.

That being said, I’m giving away VERY SENSITIVE information and completely letting the “enemy” know my plan of attack. I’m essentially jumping on a grenade for you guys and publicly disclosing my patented methods of getting your wife/girlfriend interested in your naughty zone. YOU’RE WELCOME.

My first piece of advice; February 14th is Valentine’s Day. Do you know how much flowers and other sentimental things cost during this holiday? WAYYYYYYYY TOO F*CKING MUCH. Card, candy, and flower companies are salavating at the thought of performing unspeakable acts to your wallet on this day because they have you by the balls if you want to get some action on said balls from your lady friend.

Total cost for roses on Valentine’s Day: ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS. Cost any day that’s not February 14th: $15.

If you’re smart (like I am), you’d do good to go to your local florist on February 1st and February 27th and buy a dozen flowers of your choice for your wife/girlfriend. You’d save a SHIT TON of cash and you’d also look like a thoughtful, loving husband/boyfriend who COMPLETELY did this out of the blue. Then you’d be off the hook for getting her flowers on Valentine’s Day because odds are (if you use the little magic white powder that comes with the flowers… not the other white powder; cocaine) those flowers will still be “alive” when Valentine’s Day comes around. [Note: DON’T EVER GET PLASTIC FLOWERS. EVER. Plastic flowers are for people who suck at life. It’s never appropriate to give a woman plastic flowers.]

And if she gets pissy because you didn’t get her flowers on Valentine’s Day, which I FULLY DOUBT (because you’re such a sweet individual for getting her flowers out of the blue), when you get her SOME MORE flowers in late February just watch as her mind and heart EXPLODE from how WONDERFUL you are. Also set to explode shortly thereafter; your testicles (but in a good way).

But still do something for her on Valentine’s Day. Might I suggest Porcini’s restaurant in Louisville? It’s apparently a great place for a little sex after dinner. Just don’t bring the kids. Someone might call child protective services on you.

Another thing you should do is probably tell her she’s pretty. That will get you a lot of points. But if you don’t tell her she’s pretty, WATCH OUT. She will let you know about this little oversight.

But when you do tell her she’s pretty, make sure you don’t yell it at her. Apparently girls don’t like it when you scream at them uncontrollably, even if it’s to tell them they’re pretty.

I FIND YOU SO PRETTY AND I CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

Here’s my last piece of advice for you all because I’ve got to keep SOME tricks up my sleeve for the wife.

If your lady is anything like my wife, then she has difficulty picking something to wear even though EVERYTHING she puts on looks good (my personal preference is for her to wear nothing around the house, especially when it’s cold). Honestly, my wife tries on several outfits which all look fantastic, but she can never decide what looks best. So of course she turns to me for my honest opinion.

Most guys just want to stop the fashion show and get on with their evening plans. I completely sypathize with you. When I’m hungry, DAMMIT I’M HUNGRY AND WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT 20 MINUTES AGO. Spending an additional 20 minutes waiting for your wife to find something to wear while you’re hungry is the equivalent to waterboarding; THAT SHIT IS TORTURE.

So men are inclined to just say that whatever their lady tries on looks good in an attempt to get out of the house as quickly as possible. Do you really think she believes you when you do this? F**K NO.

You know what goes a long way with a woman? Taking an interest in helping her pick something to wear. Now, I’m not saying you should start trying to be her personal fashion coach and pick outfits for her (because then she may question your sexuality), but I am offering you a de minimus approach to looking like you take an interest in what she wears.

Hear me out. You’re going to tell her whatever she’s wearing looks good so you can get out of the house, amiright? I understand that. But in instances where there’s not a real rush to leave the house, take a few extra minutes and throw her a curveball.

Instead of telling her whatever she’s wearing looks good (even if it does), every now and then disagree with what she has on and suggest another outfit she’s previously worn that you have committed to memory. [Note: To successfully pull this off, you have to make sure to commit one of her outfits to memory.] This way you don’t have to be a fashion guru because you’ll be relying on your wife’s/girlfriend’s fashion sense to guide you. Trust me, she has WAYYYYY more fashion sense than you do.

I have one of my wife’s outfits committed to memory for every season, so that no matter what time of year it is, I have an ace in the hole I can use. If you make a wardrobe recommendation every now and then, guess what? She’ll respect your opinion more about what she’s wearing because you sometimes give her “genuine” input. So the next time when you say her outfit looks good, she’ll believe you and be done with her fashion show. Then you get to leave the house quicker and get something to eat. Everyone’s happy and dammit you’re an evil genius now.

You’re welcome, guys. Make your old lady call you “Guillermo” when this advice works.

And for all the ladies reading this post right now and getting “insider information”, let me say this; you can do sweet things for your husband, too, besides just giving them hot, naughty, filthy sex.

Let me be clear, I’m not advocating for National Steak and BJ Day, the male equivalent of Valentine’s Day (March 14th, if you ladies would like to mark your calendars). I’m also neither confirming or denying that such a day exists. I just thought I’d throw an idea out there. That’s all. Do with that information what you will.