Me as a baby and being respectful of grown men who are minding their own business.

I tend to walk around Berlin everyday for at least an hour while listening to podcasts (catching up on My Brother, My Brother and Me currently) and generally having a merry old time. As of late, however I’ve begun to notice that other street occupants aren’t quite taking to me sharing their sidewalk. These individuals have taken to mean mugging me despite the fact that I’m minding my own business. That’s right, you’ve guessed it: I’ve got a mean mugging baby problem.

When most people think of babies, they think of the preciousness of life but not me. All I know is what I’ve learned in the street and what I’ve learned is that babies stare at me like they want to jack me in the grill. I’m not sure what I’ve done to these babies but I can honestly say it’s pretty intimidating because there’s really nothing one can do to prevent the situation from occurring outside of avoiding babies all together. You could never yell at the baby or confront them because street altercations with babies are never one on one since they’re always rolling deep with parents and other family members.

My wife keeps telling me that babies just find me fascinating, but the looks they give me are not those of intrigue or curiosity. I know a mean mug when I see one and am not so paranoid to think that any old look from a baby should be interpreted as a mean mug. No, these are straight up, slap the flava out yah mouth means mugs and I’m starting to get tired of it. I think the bulk of these mean mugs come from Euro babies, but I recall quite a few American based baby mean mugs as well.

Perhaps my oversized head and soft, mushy body is giving off baby like signals, thus making them feel as if their territory is being invaded. I don’t see babies mean mugging everyone else so this theory has some legs. What would help me is if the parents of these babies explained to them what the differences between babies and frumpy looking men are. Babies don’t have beards, they don’t drink beer and they certainly don’t carry their own groceries; how is this not obvious to them?

If you happen to be the parent of one of these so called babies, please show them my picture and tell them that I’m not a baby and even if I was, I’m not interested in taking over their street territory. I’m just a simple man and would prefer if my strolls weren’t soured by stroller based drive by mean mugs. If you’re a baby that happens to have some beef, let’s crush it. Just email me and explain what the problem is and we’ll work it out somehow. I’m not perfect and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t told a baby joke or two in my day but I certainly didn’t want to alienate the entire baby community. I love all humans and since you’re a tiny human, I’ve got nothing but love for you as well.