One of these is boring and one will get you punched.

Some men have trouble picking out presents for their wives. That’s why most websites will offer Valentine’s Day gift giving advice for men. But not us. We’re above that. Anyone can tell you what to buy your wife, but if every guy reads the same column, then every wife in America is going to get the exact same presents.

That’s boring.

So instead of trying to limit you to certain recommended products (because no one has given us any money to advertise their products on this website yet), we’d much rather make recommendations on what not to buy your wife this Valentine’s Day. This way, at least, the sky is the limit.

Don’t Buy House Cleaning Appliances/Products

Holy crap. Were you really thinking of getting your wife a new vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day? I hope you enjoy sleeping on the couch. NEVER buy your wife cleaning appliances or products. Even if it’s something you have to buy anyways (in cases where your vacuum cleaner is mysteriously disassembled by your cats), claiming something you would otherwise have to buy anyways as a “present” is a colossal cop out. Dont’ do it.

Don’t buy her clothing unless (a) she has specifically shown you an article of clothing she was thinking of buying and (b) you know her specific size.

If you mess up either of those, HOLY CRAP, you’re screwed. For instance, if you get your wife an outfit she’s had her eye on for a while but get her a size that’s too small, now she feels fat. Get your wife an outfit that’s too big, and now she thinks that you think she’s fat. Forget the fact that all women think they could lose a few pounds, the fact that you think the same has shattered her world (and your chances of Valentine’s Day sex).

On the contrapositive, if you know her sizes and go out on a limb and pick an outfit you think she might like, your chances of success is somewhere between none and none. If you’re a stereotypical husband, you don’t even know how to match a dress shirt and tie and rely solely on your wife so you don’t go to work looking like a clown college graduate. That being said, WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN PICK AN OUTFIT FOR YOUR WIFE?? (Certain exemptions apply to lingerie).

But in the very unlikely event you do go out on a limb and pick an outfit for your wife that she genuinely likes, I’d have a few more questions for you as a person. Specifically, have you always secretly found men sexually attractive, or is this a recent occurrence?

 A dildo is not an acceptable Valentine’s Day gift unless specifically asked for.

Don’t read too much into her requests for a “personal massager”. She could just want one from Brookstone or even a massage from your local massage therapist provider (not one of those happy-ending places). If you read too much into her requests for massage providing devices, you could offend your wife and make her feel like a dirty whore. Not that there’s anything wrong with a woman using/wanting a dildo. It’s a perfectly normal, natural thing.

Asking the simple question of “Do you mean a dildo?” when your wife suggests her need for a personal massager provides the clarification any guy would need so you don’t show up with a bouquet of vibrating fake weiners on February 14th to your wife’s disdain.

Also, those things are expensive. But I don’t know from personal experience. I, um…. get catalogs and stuff. I don’t own any myself.

If it seems like a bad idea, it probably is.

Don’t buy it. Don’t give it to her. Turn and walk away slowly so as not to draw attention to yourself.

 Don’t give her a pet unless she specifically asks for it.

Much like a dildo, don’t just go out and get your wife a pet if she hasn’t specifically expressed a desire for one. Taking care of an animal is a big responsibility, one you probably don’t want to ask your wife to take on (mostly because she has a hard enough time taking care of you, ya’ big slob).

Giving your wife a pet for Valentine’s Day (or really as a present in general) is a great way of saying, “Hey, our house could really use some mangled shoes and/or furniture, pee and poop stains, and a persistent problem of pet hair and dander. Happy Valentine’s Day!”.

And do you really want to show your wife how little time and effort you may put into raising a child if you don’t put forth much effort to care for a pet you bought her? Don’t go down that road just yet. Trust me.

We hope you find this advice useful. Whatever you decide to get your wife for Valentine’s Day, we hope it is thoughful, moderately priced, and gets you laid. Good luck, and God speed.