Solid Observations / Writies

Solid Advice for New Husbands, Part One

solid advice

So you’ve decided to get married. YOU FOOL.

Just kidding, HAHAHAHAHAHA (my wife reads my posts and I’m very scared of in love with her).

What kind of Model Husband website would we be if we didn’t offer some advice to our brethren who recently took the plunge?

Most people would say that being married is easy. I’d say those people have wives who are within earshot (or are deathly afraid that their wives have them bugged).

Fun Fact: Women have a heightened sense of hearing when it comes to complaints made by their significant others.

Being married is easy… after you learn all the unspoken rules. Once you have a firm grasp on these, it should be pretty smooth sailing.

It took me a while. I’m in my fourth year of marriage and I finally feel like I’ve got the rules down. So to help those newly married guys out there, let me compile some of my life lessons so you can avoid a few fights in the first couple years of marriage.

(1) Your stuff is toast.

All the stuff that you’ve accumulated during your bachelorhood will be thrown out like the STD test results of any of the cast members of the Jersey Shore. Your soon-to-be or new wife is currently perplexed by how you consider your futon and collection of milk crates furniture. Your linens will quickly become drop cloths for the rooms that she will command you to paint in pastel hues (while at the same time not lifting a finger to help you because you’re the man, and dammit, that’s your job).

Why would she want to get rid of all your wordly possessions? First of all, she doesn’t know what you’ve done with other girls on your “furniture” and linens. Knowing that she won’t be the only girl you’ve fooled around with on these items infuriates her and “ignites” in her a “burning desire” to set all your wordly possessions ablaze in a small bonfire in your backyard.

Secondly, do you really think your standards of what constitutes “nice” things are on par with those of a woman? You’re a bigger fool than I thought. Your 200 thread count sheets are proof enough. Women require a minimum of 1,000 thread counts because their skin is so sensitive, anything less is the equivalent of sandpaper. They don’t even have to feel them, they can see the large pores in the sheets from the other side of the room. Yet, when you’re trying to convince them to spend an additional $350 on an HDTV with a better refresh rate because the picture looks a lot crisper, they reply “I don’t see the difference”.

Don’t try to figure that out in your head. It will only explode.

I seriously had a bunch of really nice gym towels that took FOREVER to steal from a high-end gym. It was especially difficult because I DIDN’T EVEN WORK OUT THERE. The second I got married and she discovered these towels, where did they go? The rag pile. No explanation, nothing. Just classified as rags. Had I actually paid money for them, I might have cared more. But still, it’s the principal of the matter! Those were mine and it took a lot of effort and planning to steal them!

(2) You have man jobs.

You will have jobs that your wife will not do because they are “man jobs” (painting, yard work, taking out the trash, installing/fixing things, killing animals/insects/arachnids in the house). But when it comes to “woman jobs” (cleaning, cooking, wearing skimpy outfits around the house, felatio), you will be expected to contribute equally (felatio would be the hardest to accomplish in this regard). Essentially, you will be doing 75% of the work around the house (“man jobs” plus half of the “woman jobs”).

Saying that something is a woman’s job is insenitive in today’s progressive society and you will be labeled a jerk for referring to any such chores as “woman jobs”. However, today’s progressive society will still allow women to shirk any responsibility in helping with “man jobs”, because society is shitty and applying the same logic equally to both sexes isn’t allowed.

This is bullshit. We know this. Accept it now and don’t try to fight it. If you decide to fight it, (a) you’re f**ked and (b) get used to sleeping on the couch or the futon your wife was eyeing for the “free stuff” section of Craigslist.

No seriously, she already has pictures on her iPhone. She’s getting rid of that.

(3) Sever any and all friendly relationships you have with other women.

Women don’t like each other anyways. Add in the fact that your wife may view one of your female friends as a romantic rival, and you’ll see your lady’s insecurity bubble to the top.

Besides, it’s only a matter of time before you cut all ties with all of your female friends because they have babies to make and it’s hard to make those babies if they’re spending all their time chatting with you. On top of that, you don’t have time to spend with other women, and you shouldn’t want to anyways (and that’s exactly what your wife will tell you).

There’s no better way to make your wife suspicious than to have a “work wife” or a really close female friend. It doesn’t matter how innocent it may seem to you, your wife will think that every skirt in the nation will want to steal you away from her (because your such a fine specimen). The more you spend time with other women (even innocently), the more likely she is to mark her territory (i.e., give you an unsolicited golden shower).

If you want to avoid jealousy issues, but still want a female perspective from someone that’s not your wife (so you can better understand what’s going through your wife’s head… because I know I don’t have a clue what my wife is thinking half the time), might I suggest you find a gay female best friend. [Like truly gay and not bisexual. You won’t fulfill your objective if the girl is bisexual; jealousy will still await, but even moreso because a bisexual girl is probably more comfortable with a three-way than your wife is.]

It’s not fair that women get to have gay best friends to go on shopping trips and even playfully call each other ‘bitches’. A true lesbian will help you understand what your woman is thinking while at the same time (hopefully) not posing a sexual threat to your wife and giving you great recommendations for combat boots that are both comfortable and look cool as hell.

(4) Let your wife take the lead on farting.

As the saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”. The same applies to farting in a marriage/relationship. If you are the brave one to fart first in a relationship (and let’s be honest, we men normally are), don’t overdo it.

If the husband to wife fart ratio is 1,500:1 (like yours truly), your wife could consider this to be slight overkill on your part. Keep the ratio between you and your wife as close to 1:1 as possible. This way, she won’t have any real gripes about how often you’re shitting your brains out in her vicinity.

Fun Fact: A woman’s fart is the equivalent of 3 guy farts. A rancid woman’s fart is equivalent to 10 guy farts. A woman’s rancid fart that you can taste in your mouth is equivalent to (surprisingly) only 14 guy farts. A guy is allowed approximately 12 ridiculously rancid farts a year (one per month). Adjust your relationship fart ratio accordingly.

(5) You will not win an argument.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and because of Venus’s atmospheric pressure, logic and reasoning never really had a chance to survive there.

It’s for this reason that attempting to use reason or logic in an argument with a woman is futile. Women have this suffocating way of removing logic and reason from arguments and somehow, they still win. I wish I could explain how, but if I could, that would mean I understand how women argue and can beat my wife in an argument. I can’t do that, and neither can you.

Oh also, avoid fighting with your wife because she has the vagina and other orifices that feel good on your naughty bits. If you desire access to these pleasure zones, arguing with your wife is probably not the way you want to go.

This is a good start. If you have additional advice, feel free to share in the comment section. It could be included in subsequent editions of this post.

2 thoughts on “Solid Advice for New Husbands, Part One

    • Thanks, Bridget! I love compliments almost as much as I love vanilla pudding, which in case if you’re wondering, borders on obsession.

      But for real, thank you very much. Keep checking back, we’ve got a lot more like this. 🙂

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