Solid Advice / Writies

The Worst (Non-Profane) Things You Could Call Your Wife

This isn't going to end well...

This isn’t going to end well…

Have you ever gotten into an argument heated discussion with your wife? HAHA, OF COURSE YOU HAVE!

Have you ever said something to your wife that the second it left your lips made you immediately think to yourself, “OHHHHHHH SHIT”. Once again, I’m pretty sure you have. [That is, unless you’re boring as f*** and never fight as a married couple.] There are just some things that if spoken to your wife, will result in your immediate smack down (both literally and figuratively speaking).

Everyone has their own “conditional insults”, those mean words that if directed at us from someone we love causes us to just fly off the handle. For me, it’s the word “stupid”. If anyone else calls me stupid, it’s NBD and I laugh at them because, odds are, I KNOW I’m smarter than they are. The fact that you’ve resorted to such a low-brow insult is all the proof I need and I can verbally disembowel you on the spot.

But if my wife or someone I love calls me stupid, oh shiz that runs all over me. I can’t stand it. Mostly because I hold them so dear that I don’t want to retaliate with the harshest of insults my dark mind can produce. [I’m talking about some seriously psychologically troubling insults here.]

Saying the wrong thing to your wife, however has much greater consequences.Because of this, I’ve decided to compile a list of things (insults, names, remarks) you should NEVER make to your wife.

  • Lazy [Because let’s face it, she does way more stuff around the house than you do.]
  • Selfish [Women are known for their giving and self-sacrificial nature; Men… not so much.]
  • Callous [Women are so prone to crying, they will cry their eyes out if one of their favorite characters on Grey’s Anatomy dies. That’s all it takes to get a woman to cry; the death of a fictional character.]
  • Weak [Two words: Child Birth. Until you pass a 7 lb. 10 ounce turd through your b-hole, you need to just STFU.]
  • Dumb/Stupid/Moronic [Insult a woman’s intelligence and she will cut you. I don’t care if she’s a certified bimbo, don’t go there.]
  • Childish [Women emotionally mature at twice the rate of men.]
  • An unfit mother. [You just went and made her go DEFCON 1 on your ass. NEVER call any woman an unfit mother to her face even if it’s true.]
  • Any comment/remark about her physical appearance, including any variation of fat or ugly. [If you need an explanation for why you should not do this, I need to point you to the closest safety helmet retailer.]
  • Any comment/remark that implies your superiority/her inferiority. [We all know who wears the pants in the relationship and it’s definitely not you.]

Bear in mind, this is not an exhaustive list and if you hurl an insult or remark towards your wife that is not included on this list, we at are not liable for the consequences your stupidity.

If you’ll notice, these are primarily adjectives you should refrain from using to describe your wife. We elected not to discuss any profane names you should refrain from calling your wife because we already put one NSFW post up and we didn’t want to set a precedent for the site. That being said, you should probably not use profane language to describe your wife, let alone use profane language as an impromptu pet name.

But even though you should refrain from using profane language to address your wife throughout the course of a normal day, I’ve learned that in the bedroom any and all names (regardless of their profane nature) are fair game.

Including the c-bomb. It’s amazing what you can get away with in the confines of your boudoir.

Brown chicken, brown cow!

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