This series features projects, articles and pictures we created in the past. They are presented in their original format as a means of representing the changes that all people go through during the course of their lives and why you should think carefully about the things you put up on social networks, blogs and the internet in general.
Recently, I was going through my external hard drive and stumbled across an old picture of myself from college. This picture happened to be one of those annoying self pics taken in a mirror, the type teenagers are notorious for taking. Regardless of the fact that the production value of aforementioned picture was embarrassing, the content filled me with pride and a bit of depression as the fit young man captured on that old camera hasn’t been around for a long time.
My wife happened to walk in at this moment and seeing the pic, was obviously impressed by the old Ethan. I felt kind of bad at that moment, thinking that she was stuck with the comfortable (aka lazy) version of me and deserved a guy with a six pack and striated muscles. For that moment I was blinded by the Majesty of my sexy bod, forgetting the fact that college years Ethan was kind of nuts (and not in the playful way I am now). Fortunately for me and my self esteem, I found other materials I’d created during that period of time, materials that proved that while I may not be as fit as I was I am definitely a much more stable person. With that, I present to you an article I wrote for Ethanville, the very first website I ever created:
Hypothetical Situation 1: When Bears Attack
The question on most everyone’s mind lately after the recent string of bear attacks is “Could I handle a bear if I was attacked?” The answer is no, you could not. But I believe I could and I have written down the many reasons why.
First off, I am a human and a bear is a bear. Humans can lift weights, workout, and take protein drinks and Creatine to make themselves better. Bears can’t. All they can do is eat berries and jerk off in the woods. That’s basically all bears do anyway when they aren’t goofing off in the city with their robot friends. The fact that so many people get mauled and killed by bears is really embarrassing. They are such posers, they don’t even try. Most people just don’t have enough heart.
And that brings me to my next point. I have a big heart. Even though bears are bigger, stronger, faster, and meaner than me, I will always have the courage to fight till the end. Even if the bear like bites my penis or something, I will hold back the pain and attack two times as hard and two times as sexy. Rocky beat so many black guys that were better than him just for the fact that he had heart and they didn’t. I feel that the fact I was fighting for the protection of all my human compatriots would be enough drive to make me crazy strong and take out a fucking bear.
Another reasonable point is fan base and promotion. I have all kinds of friends and family to cheer me on, and I could easily find myself a fight promoter to encourage others to help in whatever ways possible. A bear could essentially find a robot to do that stuff for him, but obviously they would get distracted together and go to like a bowling alley and smoke cigarettes or something. No matter what, it’s a losing proposition for that bear.
As with all animals that are smaller than their opponents, when push comes to shove, I have the ability to transform into a crazy psycho killer type individual. What does this mean? It means that I would do whatever it took to find a way to win if I happen to fall behind in the fight (but with the above three facts at my advantage, I hardly think that will be an issue, yet to fancy disagreeable people I will explain a back up notion.) See I was discussing with my martial arts friends a few strategies that most of them had never thought of. Here is a list of them that I could possibly use on that bear.
1. Eyeball Biting tactic-With a sudden burst of adrenaline and teenage angst, I could jump about 10 feet in the air and bite that bear right in the eye. That would stop the bastard.
2. Inside Out Tactic- I could always trick the bear into thinking I was dead, and when he swallows me whole like bears usually do, I could start jumping around and kicking him inside of his stomach till he goes crazy and throws himself off a cliff. Luckily I would be inside of him and be safe from the fall since bears are so fat and unkempt.
3. Dragonball Z use a power I didn’t think I had tactic- Maybe, just maybe like I alwayshoped, I would have a super power that would come into play just in time for me to melt the bear with like a laser beam or like a sword that comes out of my hand. This would be a last resort type thing, because this is not always a sure thing. Most of the time it is, but not always.
4. Set myself on fire tactic-It may seem cocky, but I really think that if I got really jerking pissed off and really hyped at the exact same time, I could set myself on fire and fight for another 15 minutes while aflame. See this way every time the bear attacked me, he would get burned and his hair would get singed. Then when I thought the fight was in my favor, I would get him in a headlock till he died.
This is my basic analysis of a beat fight. BASIC. Fighting bears is something that only a few people could do, and most would have to plan and workout for centuries to accomplish. These ideas would only work if I fought the bear, I do not think many people have the heart and courage I do when it comes to animal fighting. Make up your own strategies, I can’t be responsible for you morons that look up to me and decide that you are gonna take a stab at this bear fighting thing. Don’t! Stay home and watch TV or something. And I am sure I will get the question, “Ethan, aren’t you in college? Shouldn’t you be studying and not making up bear fight strategies and such?” Well missy, when it comes down to me and you having to go toe to toe with bears, you can try and use that Calc 256 that you learned, I will stick to what I do best. Thank You.
Nostalgia is a tricky thing as it presents us with an intoxicating version of how things used to be. The fact of the matter is that while most of us may have been thinner and more attractive in our youth, we were also emotionally unstable weirdos. A fitness regimen can be easily reintroduced into your lifestyle but the same can not be said for the mental breakthroughs we’ve had through the years.