The weather is finally nice enough outside to thaw the frost that’s accumulated on your balls; welcome to spring, bitches! With the advent of spring comes the start of the traditional running season. Seeing as I’m an avid and experienced runner, I thought I would give you, the newly christened hobbyist runner, some practical advice for surviving your new-found passion.

Hydration.

When running outside in the hot weather, all the moisture that you find on your shirt actually used to be in your body! And if you run out of moisture in your body… YOU DIE. The most effective way to replenish that moisture is to drink some water. I mean, you COULD just drink the moisture that recently left your body and is currently chilling on your shirt, but I would advise against it. It’s rather salty and not very palatable to your taste buds.

Running Shoes.

Having a good pair of running shoes is essential to successful running. I mean, you COULD run barefoot, but why risk stepping on a stray rock, shard of glass, hypodermic neetle, lego? That shit HURTS. That’s why it’s so important to have some kind of barrier between your precious little piggies and the ground.

But don’t misinterpret what I’m saying and go out and get those minimalist shoes. They look cool and are really comfortable and all, but you’ll get injured. Trust me, I know.

“But, Bill! We’ve been running for a long time before running shoes were invented! We’re born to run barefoot and I’m getting a pair of Vibram Five Fingers right meow!”

It might be true that we were born to run barefoot, but your argument forgets two very important facts; (1) we’ve forgotten how to run barefoot because we got comfortable running on large rubber pillows and (2) the last time I checked, cavemen weren’t running on pavement and concrete. Modern running shoes were invented because running on concrete and pavement can really jack up your muscles and joints. So really, if you want to run barefoot, you should blame the industrial revolution and improvements in transportation infrastructure for your inability to do so.

DAMN YOU PROGRESS!! #FirstWorldProblems

Motivation.

Sometimes motivation to start running can be a real struggle. I’ve always heard people say “the only reason to run is if I’m being chased by something”. But if you don’t prepare for that moment, it’s not REALLY going to be that much of a chase now is it?

Still, that might not be enough for some people. Perhaps instead of being chased you could chase after someone else?  That may lead to some confusion so why not try other options?

If you’re like me and you’re secretly preparing for the zombie apocalypse (because running 13 to 26 miles will easily take you from a major Midwestern urban area [cough/Indianapolis/cough] to a more rural area), well then BOY DO I HAVE THE MOTIVATION FOR YOU!!

There’s an application called “Zombies, Run!”* in which the runner is given motivation to run away from oncoming zombies. It’s pretty much the COOLEST F##KING THING ever and I would recommend you try it out at least once to see how you fare.

And for those of you who already use (and love) the app, I recommend that you try your hand at running from real people dressed as zombies (rather than virtual zombies hidden in your iPhone) during this year’s Run For Your Lives 5k in your respective geographic area (be it Indy or elsewhere). I competed in the race last year and survived, but mostly because I used total strangers as human shields**.

Eye Wear.

The sun is bright as shit. Wear sunglasses. The darker, the better. This is even more important when you’re running behind or passing by attractive women. You don’t want them to see your wandering eyes and possibly expose you for the creepy individual we all know you are. Some things are meant to stay secrets.

Weight Loss.

Running will help you lose a TON of weight. Before I started running hard core again, I was in pretty good physical shape. Since I started running hard core back in October, I’ve managed to lose 8 lbs.

Those 8 lbs. accounted for 5% of my total body weight at that point. Imagine if you’re a larger person and you start running. HOLY SHIZ. Get that Kohl’s credit card ready! After a month, you’ll be ready for an entirely new wardrobe!

And then you’ll get all kinds of compliments about all the weight you’ve lost and how good you look and you’ll feel like a f##king BAMF! And why not? You deserve it considering you’re putting in the time and effort to improve your overall health.

Also, the time you spend running will be less time that you have to go to McDonald’s or eat yourself stupid on the couch. Running not only increases your metabolism, but it also curbs your insatiable appetite helping you shed the pounds. Which brings me to my next point…

Nutrition.

If you want to be successful at running, you have to eat at least remotely healthy. What you eat fuels your body’s performance. So unless your body is the equivalent of a time-traveling DeLorean, you can’t fuel up with garbage and expect to hit 88 MPH, ya’ dig?

Stimulants.

Stimulants make running easier. I’m not going to lie, I use them, too. Most are rife with antioxidants, which are pretty good for you (in case you haven’t been watching Dr. Oz). Just be careful with how much you use and how often you use them. Running a 5k is a lot easier when you drink three 5-hour energy shots before hand***, but that’s borderline cheating, and the last thing you want is to be compared/feel like Lance Armstrong.

Also be careful with which stimulants you use. Some stimulants are better than others. For instance, if I had to choose between a 5-hour energy shot and a Monster Energy drink, I would probably go with the one that has more natural ingredients and also doesn’t taste like shit (5-hour energy).  If you currently don’t use any stimulants to run (even coffee), then you are a saint.

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza.

Tony Danza has ran several marathons and is an avid runner****. If he can do it, so can you.

You May Shit Your Pants While Running.

You’ve been forewarned, but don’t let this stop you from picking it up. This normally only happens to those people who are really weird and decide they want to run ultra-marathons.

* Pay special attention to the comma here. Absent the comma, the implied idea is that zombies can run. WITH the comma, the implied idea is that zombies are coming, RUN FOR YOUR F**KING LIFE.

** I HAVE NO SHAME!

*** Also, your heart may explode… FROM HOW DELICIOUS THEY TASTE!!

**** These statements have not been verified by an accurate source. For all intents and purposes, they are merely speculative and not to be interpreted as fact.