Writies

A Poor Sportsman’s Guide to Good Sportsmanship

sports
alphawolfFact: Playing games in the summer is entirely too much fun.

Fact: Men love playing competitive games. Cavemen used to see how far they could throw dinosaur bones after gorging themselves on delicious dinosaur meat. The winner would get to copulate with all of the tribe’s women. That’s why sexual activities are sometimes referred to as “boning” (circa 1999).

Fact: Men are competitive, sometimes to the point of being dickish.

I am no exception.

I LOVE playing cornhole, or as you prudish people might call it “bag toss”.

Fun Fact: It’s called CORNHOLE, don’t fudge it up. If you call the game “bag toss” or by any other name except CORNHOLE, people will immediately know that you are a certified AARP member and eat at the Country Time Kitchen.

It’s one of the games that when I play and drink, I get better. Like Jordan-Flu-Game better. Fueling my competitive spirit with alcohol is nary a good idea, especially since I’m cocky enough in my cornhole “athletic” prowess when sober. I will trash talk you sober, but I will REALLY let into you when hammered… it’ll just be slurred.

So since I’ve established that I’m a fairly credible source on being a poor sport, let me give all you non-poor sports out there some advice on how to be a good sport… mostly by doing the opposite of what I do.

  • When you do something impressive, like knock an opponent’s bag off a board (intentionally!) or sink some bags in the hole, try to not give the double-bird salute to your opponent… especially if that opponent happens to be your father-in-law. Granted, those two middle fingers may come from a well-intentioned place, but that level of ass-holishness reflects poorly on the decision your wife/lover made in selecting a mate.
  • Although dancing in a provocative way is usually fun, it’s not as much fun to dance in provocative ways when you are intending to distract your opponent. But if you are intent on dancing provocatively to distract your opponent, make sure that opponent is of the age of majority in the state where you are playing. In other words, it’s not cool to twerk to distract a 12-year-old opponent… but it does work everytime.

Fun Fact: The author is well versed in the art of twerking.

  • There’s a chance you might lose the game you’re playing. When this happens, it’s not cool to present your hand to shake your opponent’s hand and then quickly take it back as your opponent prepares to congratulate you on a “good game”… but it’s even worse to feign congratulations and then give your opponent a light kick in the genitals or buttocks.
  • In the event you lose a hotly contested match BY A SINGLE F**KING POINT, you may want to throw something on the ground (like possibly your hat or the bags you were using) in frustration. This demonstrates poor sportsmanship, but throwing these items on the ground is much more preferable than throwing lawn chairs or beer bottles at your opponent adversary. Flinging beer bottles and lawn furniture at your opponent may cause them bodily harm which is unacceptable behavior in modern society, no matter how badly you actually want to cause your opponent adversary bodily harm.
  • If you lose a game, it’s a show of good sportsmanship to congratulate your opponent by retrieving an alcoholic beverage for them. However, it’s not a show of good sportsmanship if you decide to urinate in that alcoholic beverage before presenting it to them, no matter how good it makes you feel on the inside as you watch them drink it down. Yes, that’s right. Drink that beer down in celebration. It tastes delicious, doesn’t it? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sources

Around and About Chattanooga (image)

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