Welcome to a new Model Husband feature (WE HAVE SO MANY, RIGHT?) where we discuss how you, as the king of your castle, should decorate said castle.
The exterior of your house says a lot about the occupants who reside inside. A poorly landscaped house is not only an eye sore to your neighbors, but also a great way to bring down the property value of your house and your neighbors’ houses.
And I should know. I’ve been purposefully neglecting my landscaping just to piss off my immediate neighbors who are insufferable. Besides, I have a plethora of things I would rather do than water my grass and trim my shrubs.
Nevertheless, you could have neighbors that are less than loathsome or you may actually care what people think about you and your respective property. If that’s the case, then congratulations, you are an adult who is also a productive member of society!
But you can’t just get by with a well manicured yard (especially if you live in the ‘burbs). NOOOO. You’ve got to have overly elaborate holiday decorations, too. So with Halloween coming up very quickly, we thought we’d give all the guys out there who care about their decorations some tips to have the best decorations in the neighborhood, and make that Tom guy down the street *really* jealous.
Why is the guy who doesn’t give a shit about the outside of his yard/house giving you advice on how to decorate your house? First, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Second, you ask too many questions, so sit down, shut up, and read this post. When all is said and done, you’ll totally realize that I’m the perfect person to give you Halloween decorating advice.
Just trust me on this.
(1) When adding blood to your decorations, don’t use real blood. It washes off easily and will only leave you light headed.
Now if that blood happens to come from an annoying neighbor who persistently wears blue jean shorts (JORTS) and also has a wanton disregard for the property line between your two parcels (and in an act of imperialism taken over a small portion of your yard) GO NUTS DUDE. That guy is an asshole with a weird family and a wife who writes horrible Twilight-style fiction. He deserves to die or lose a large amount of blood for the benefit of your decorations.
(2) Putting up those fake cobwebs is a hassle. Why do you want to take the time and effort to put them up when you’re going to have to use three times as much time and effort to take them down in a few weeks?
F**K that noise. Instead, why don’t you just NOT do any work on the outside of your house for 6 months before Halloween so that when the holiday hits, you’ve managed to accumulate an envious amount of REAL SPIDERS and REAL COBWEBS courtesy of God and your laziness. So far, I’ve been decorating for Halloween since March and my spiderweb decorations are almost complete. And if the spiderwebs don’t scare people, I’m pretty sure the vast amount of wasp nests and other winged-insects-with-stingers nests might do the trick.
(3) DUCT TAPE EVERYTHING DOWN. My annual struggle with Halloween decorations normally revolves around finding a way to keep the large wind gusts from taking it all down. For whatever reason, in the fall the wind has been really bad in Indiana for the past few years, and as a result it has just annihilated my Halloween decorations every year. And when you consider how vandalism increases substantially during Halloween, duct taping all your decorations down makes it at least slightly more challenging for those shithead teenagers to steal them.
If you don’t have duct tape, go out and buy a nail gun and NAIL EVERYTHING DOWN. Nothing says “I’m a MAN” quite like the use of a nail gun. Just holding a nail gun has been scientifically proven to increase testosterone levels by 147%. That’s science, people. DON’T ARGUE WITH SCIENCE. And if you’re using a nail gun to nail down your decorations, those shithead teenagers will be less likely to steal your badass Halloween decorations.
If you don’t have time to get a nail gun, my next recommendation involves booby traps. Not these kind of booby traps, but the kind Data uses in the Goonies. Might I suggest bear traps or something that will physically maim those shithead teens and give you the chance to beat the shit out of them for messing with your decorations? And if those booby traps accidentally kill one of those shithead teenagers, guess what? You get some awesome late additions to your Halloween decorations!
(4) Make your decorations scary, but not too scary. You’ve got to make your decorations scary for the pre-teens that need some entertainment, but not too scary that you’ll scare the little kids so much that they won’t come to your door. Why? Do you know what little kids have with them? Hot moms who are dressed up like slutty firefighters, cops, witches, devils, angels, etc., etc., etc.
The younger the kid, the more likely their mom is going to be hot. And in today’s age where people are having kids at an increasingly young age and there are a high number of single moms, the odds of you getting a date from one of these lovely ladies is pretty good.
But what was I thinking? There’s no way you could own a house if you’re a young, single guy!! [Editor’s Note: And come to think of it, if you’re a single guy, there’s a very slim chance you’re reading this blog.] A house payment for a single guy is kind of a lot to handle. I guess technically you could own your own trailer as a single guy. If that’s the case, the girls who are taking their kids trick-or-treating in your neighborhood look more like this.
(5) Buy your Halloween decorations AFTER Halloween so this way, when the wind blows your decorations away next Halloween, you’re only out $15 instead of $537.
Halloween decorations are expensive. I don’t blame people for making their own, but I’ll be damned if sometimes the best ones are the ones you buy in the store. As scary as that wire hanger with a sheet over it is [Editor’s Note: Scary for whom? Right to Lifers?], there’s just something better about a life-sized replica of Regan from The Exorcist (complete with head-spinning animatronics). Cost before Halloween? $450 Cost after Halloween? $4.50
THIS SHIT’S GOTTA GO!!!!!! 99% OFF!!!!
And those blow-up Halloween decorations? F*ck those. Why would I pay $200 for something that is a prime target for the wind to rip it a new butthole? Do you really think any actions you take will keep the wind from snatching that large black cat and pumpkin from your lawn like Ariel Castro stole teenage girls from high schools? Those things look like hot-air balloons; you’re asking for it.
(6) Hire an Asian contortionist to freak people the f**k out. Just make sure she has long, scraggly hair and REALLY pale skin. Then give her a hospital gown and tell her to move towards guests in weird ways while never looking them directly in the eye.
This decoration may be a bit harder to find only because Barnum and Bailey and Cirque du Soleil employ 98% of all Asian contortionists in the world. But if you can find one that isn’t employed in a carny side show, you’d be surprised by how cheap their services can be.
(7) Why buy fake tomb stones that will blow away the first time wind gusts top 10 miles per hour? And besides, they don’t even look real. I recommend going to your local cemetery and “borrowing” some head stones to increase the authentic look of your house’s graveyard. I would suggest going after the grave stones where the deceased passed away a long time ago. This way, the odds of them having a surviving family member who would care if their headstone is missing are significantly less than someone who just passed away a short while ago.
And if you feel guilty about separating those grave stones from the people they belong to, why not make the extra effort and bring those corpses with you to decorate your house? They would make fine additions to your Halloween decorations and you don’t have to buy them!
What better way to improve your Halloween decorations than with ACTUAL CORPSES? Those fake bodies are totally unbelievable and people will FREAK OUT at how “realistic” those bodies look at your house. Then watch as their minds explode when you tell them those corpses are REAL.
(8) Those white sheets you’re hanging up around your house and calling “ghosts”? I’ve seen more convincing ghosts on those lame paranormal investigation shows. You know, the ones where they shit their pants when they see a floating orb…
If you really want to up the ante, I recommend holding a séance where you invite evil spirits to come and chill at your house for a couple nights around Halloween. The look on people’s faces when they see actual ghosts at your house will be PRICELESS. Your house can be just like the one in the first season of American Horror Story. I can’t guarantee the ghosts will leave after Halloween and that’s why I recommend having contact information for both an old priest and a young priest or your closest paranormal exterminator on hand.
Just make sure you tell them all the ghosts have to go, except the hot maid from American Horror Story. She can stay.
But if you REALLY want to up your game, why settle for just inviting ghosts to your house at your séance? Why not invite Satan himself? I mean, if you’re inviting all these evil spirits to your house to chill for Halloween and the Devil hears about it, HE’S GOING TO BE PISSED! Besides, you don’t want to be *that* guy… the one who invites all of Satan’s BFFs, but not Satan. That’s just a dick move on your part.
Still not convinced you should invite Satan? The Dark Lord always brings the best guacamole. I’d almost sell him my soul for the recipe, except I already reached my soul’s credit limit making deals with Beelzebub to avoid getting countless traffic tickets. I guess I’ll never have the recipe for the “Guac That Makes All The Ladies Squawk”. [Editor’s Note: That’s Satan’s own branding of his Guac. We at Model Husband have no input into the Dark Lord’s marketing scheme.]
When Satan shows up to chill with you (and believe me, he will), he’s going to help you freak people the hell out. That’s the difference between “great” Halloween decorations and “HOLY SHIT THESE DECORATIONS ARE AWESOME!!!!”.
Just remember that when you’re summoning the Dark Lord to draw a crisp, pointy pentagram around you while you’re holding your séance. Oh, and also sacrifice a young goat and drink its blood. Trust us when we say this is a small price to pay for the best Halloween decorations in the neighborhood.