Hardcore porn. We all love it. But just like most things we love, we can often be blind* to the damage those things are doing to our lives.

I know what you’re thinking; what possible harm could hardcore porn be doing to me, Bill?

Well I’m glad you asked, you filthy pervert.

If you’re like me, your adolescent sex education consisted of you sneaking off to watch a porn in a dark room with only your shame and self-pity keeping you company**. That’s the shit that happens when you don’t allow schools to teach sex education.

But watching those smut films during your formative years to learn about sex will do a lot to damage your psyche as well as sets up unrealistic expectations for sex when you’re of age to engage in sexual festivities***.

First of all, the girl you’re going to have your first sexual encounter with will, more than likely, look nothing like Tracy Lords or Eva Angelina. Since guys are dogs and will literally take “the path of least resistance” to lose their virginity during their teen years (to avoid being the virgin loser in their school), odds are you’re going to pork the first girl who fancies the idea, regardless of what she looks like^.

And it’s also highly unlikely that you will ever have a sexual encounter with an actual porn star, let alone a woman that resembles one. But that’s okay. I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to not have sexual relations with a porn star simply because the number of sexual partners they’ve had in their lifetime far exceeds the amount of times I’ve had pizza in my life (and I love pizza). Not to mention porn stars look inherently synthetic with the amounts of plastic surgery they’ve had to resemble “the perfect woman”; i.e. big breasts. I may be in the minority on this, but I don’t find “synthetic women” attractive and prefer the all-natural goodness of a woman. Not to say I simply prefer naturally large breasts, I just prefer the natural, unaltered, beauty of women, because all women are beautiful in their natural state.

Second, pornography creates wholly unrealistic expectations for sex. Although there are a considerable amount of women who have had breast augmentation procedures, they still only account for a small percentage of the total population of American women. In porn, however, women who have had breast augmentation procedures account for approximately 90% of the female porn star population. There are a majority of women out there with real boobs, fellas. Don’t give up hope because of what you see in these porn movies.

Porn also gives you unrealistic expectations for how long you can last during sex. Remember, these are professional “actors” who are paid small fortunes to fornicate on film for a living. If they’re not completely desensitized to sex to the point of boredom, then they’ve become trained experts in holding their loads for several hours of sexual play.

You? Let’s be honest, you’d be lucky to have an over/under of 10 minutes^^. You can barely hold your load through a few minutes of foreplay and a couple minutes of sex, let alone a lengthly session of felatio and at least 45 minutes of intercourse across 5 different, highly technical sexual positions.

Most girls don’t really like to shower in 6 inch heels. That’s just really dangerous. Tubs and showers are very slippery when wet, and walking in 6 inch heels is a very daunting task on dry land alone. DO NOT ask your wife/girlfriend to shower in 6 inch heels. It’s just really inconsiderate of your lover’s health. Not to mention it probably takes years of Miyagi-like training to be able to take a shower in 6-inch heels; and that’s time your wife/girlfriend doesn’t have because they have to take care of your lazy bones. Once again, these porn stars are paid professionals and have probably attended several training combines that improve agility in 6 inch heels.

Women do not find anal sex pleasurable. At all. There are no “pleasure areas” in the female anus^^^. If your girl lets you do anal, she’s doing it out of love because she is getting NOTHING in return. [Well, that may not be totally true if she managed to negotiate a shopping spree in return.] Remember, these porn actresses are pretending to enjoy having something shoved in their ass, they don’t actually enjoy it.

Porn will also instill insecurity about the size of your penis. The male actors are selected because (a) they can hold their load for long periods of time and (b) they have larger than average to EXTREMELY large penises. Plain and simple, if your penis closely resembles a Pringles can or a bottle of Mountain Dew, you sir are a FREAK OF NATURE. Watching porn could make you feel insecure about the size of your manhood by comparison. To rectify this, just go hang out in your local YMCA’s locker room. You’ll feel better about the size of your penis after you spend an extended period of time with all those tiny, flaccid, old geriatric penises.

And if your significant other has never ventured into the world of adult films (nor been with multiple sexual partners), these films could also pervert her notion about how large the average male member is. In your lover’s particular case, it might be best to advise your partner that the members featured in porn are more outliers on the spectrum of penis size, so this way she doesn’t start to think you are, by comparison, tiny. Or you could just find a few niche porn films that specialize in small penises (and not advise her as such) so by comparison she things you have the Pringles can for a lap hog.

If you think for one second that married/relationship sex is like porn sex, you are SORELY mistaken. These are paid, well trained actors, whereas your wife/girlfriend is really just begrudgingly giving your coital relations to shut you up/get you to do things around the house. But do you really want to know why sex with your wife/girlfriend will never be like sex in a porn? You presumably actually have to see the person you had sex with again at some point in time (unless it’s a one night stand, but given you’re in a healthy relationship, that seems unlikely). Things can get awkward really quick in your house when neither of you want to talk about the porn-inspired unspeakable acts you engaged in the previous night+.

Some other tips I would like to disseminate that stem from porn:

• Women do not like household items inside of them, excluding food, but only if the food finds it’s way inside of them through the traditional method; namely eating it.
• Public sex, while hot (mostly because of the risk of getting caught) and featured in a lot of porn, should not be performed in an area where you are likely to return or know a lot of people in the area. For instance, the parking lot of your church, the driveway of your house, or the bathroom of your local grocery store.
• Despite what some porn and donkey shows suggest as “acceptable fetishes” animals should never be involved. It’s totally illegal in the US, and if watching this kind of stuff gets you off, you should seek professional help. No seriously, seek professional help.
• No pizza is so delicious that a woman will have sex with the pizza delivery guy because she can’t pay for it. Not even Hot Box. Am I to believe a woman would whore herself out for $20 worth of food?
• Do not attempt to make your own porn. This video not only has a high chance of falling into the wrong hands (i.e., the internet), it will also be cringeworthy when you review it. It’s the equivalent of listening to your own voice. No one likes to listen to the sound of their own voice. But at least a sex tape could present the opportunity to have a film session with a sex coach to go over what you did good (very little) and what needs improvement.

Lastly, women on the whole do not like “the money shot”++.

Fun Fact: I waited to discuss the money shot last, because the money shot lets you know when the porn is over. Just like this post!

Why don’t women like the money shot? It’s messy! It gets in their hair, which requires a shower and vigorous hair washing, and that’s really just inconvenient. Also, contrary to “scientific research” you quote during sex, jizz is NOT good for a woman’s complexion and has a high chance of making her break out with semen-filled pimples (YAY!!). Most importantly though, unless your female participant wears glasses/ski goggles, there’s a very good chance she’s going to get jizz in her eye(s), which is, like, a bazillion times worse than getting soap in your eye(s)+++. And if she’s wearing contacts and gets some man jam in her eyes? Oh, shiz. You’re just going to have to throw those contacts out because they’ll never be clean enough for reuse. Getting the contacts off after that is going to be hard enough; I’ve heard it’s likened to cataracts surgery. So simply put, unless she specifically asks for the money shot (or has appropriate protective eye wear), don’t go trying to “finish her” Mortal Kombat style, like they do in your favorite skin film.

You’ve been warned.

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* We could also just be blind from touching ourselves too frequently… a direct effect from watching too much porn.

** I pray you didn’t watch porn in groups with your teenage guy friends. That’s totally weird, yo’.

*** Check state and local laws before fugging with anyone.

^ See also, “slump buster” (they’ll be similar in appearance).

^^ ALWAYS bet the under.

^^^ But apparently not so for men. Gay butt sex gets RAVE reviews.

+ Trust me.

++ If you aren’t familiar with the money shot, DO NOT GOOGLE IT AT WORK. It’s definitely NSFW.

+++ From what I’m told. I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTING JIZZ IN MY OWN EYE. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.