Dear Internet Social Connection,

Hey! It’s been awhile and I know we don’t talk much, but I thought you should know something; your social media is totally trashing your good name.

I know it’s shocking and I know you and your social media are close, but someone had to tell you before it’s too late. Unfortunately, it’s getting dangerously close to that point as people have begun to assume that your social media is speaking on your behalf. Crazy right? I mean, these people are supposed to be your friends yet they’re listening to the loud and obnoxious voice of your social media as if it’s a spokesperson for you or something. It’s absurd, but that’s the reality of the situation. Sorry, I realize this is quite a shock so let it sink in for a bit.

You good? Need a few more moments? Ok.

Better? Great!

I’m comfortable with approaching you about this because I too had to sit my social media down and have a heart to heart. While not perfect, since that time my social media has become more self aware. In fact, it’s working very hard to think about everything it does before doing it. This has contributed to my social media hanging back in the shadows a bit, but we both agreed it’s for the best.

Anyway, I’m not one for making accusations without proof, so I thought I’d give you some examples, that way you have a bit more ammunition when you finally confront your social media and tell it to straighten up its act.

For one, a friend of yours accomplished something truly significant in their lives and people were really excited for them. Suddenly, out of nowhere, your social media showed up and totally one-upped them. Well, not exactly one-upping them as the event it spoke of wasn’t that exciting, but it did use a ton of exclamation points and emoticons (your social media is a true hype man/woman). Your friend, most likely trying to be courteous, also congratulated your social media and suddenly the attention was shifted completely. Your social media was clearly oblivious to how self-centered this was and continued using the friend’s post as a soapbox for their own success.

In a similar situation, a friend lost a loved one and appeared to be looking for comfort from their internet community, only to have your social media pop in, give them some half-assed condolences and then describe a situation from their own lives that was significantly more upsetting. Again, it wasn’t actually more upsetting but your social media ended it with the lyrics from a song and “…” as if to send home the point that their pain was eternal.

Speaking of eternal pain, is your social media all right? When it’s not diverting attention to itself, it appears as if it may be depressed, lonely, on the verge of death or a combination of the three. If that’s the case, I think you need to get your social media some help as it appears to prefer commenting on its physical and emotional state as opposed to actually doing anything about it. If it really is in as bad of shape as it says it is, I think a trip to the doctor or psychologist is of the utmost importance. Your social media may not realize it, but the very fact that it’s so highly active may be the exact reason it’s feeling the way that it is. Don’t think for a second I’m making light of this either; as a former social worker I’m legitimately concerned about your social media. I’m also concerned about your children as your social media keeps updating me on the horrific sounding afflictions they keep coming down with (I’m finally starting to understand why pioneer families had so many).

In addition to that, your social media has taken quite a few news stories and completely gotten the context of the articles wrong. I don’t think its even reading the articles fully before posting a link and then giving its opinions. On top of that, your social media has become truly upset by articles found on The Onion, a website known for posting outrageously satirical articles based on current events. Not only is your social media making you look like an asshole, it’s making you look super dumb too.

I’m also beginning to suspect that your social media might be in a gang or cult. It’s surrounded itself with like-minded people and has begun rallying around ideals that range from archaic to flat out whacky. It’s also really paranoid about some things while turning a blind eye to others (imagine being stuck in a personality loop between Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski and Gene Hackman from Enemy of the State).

Finally, whether it realizes it or not, your social media is a huge bully. Whether it’s celebrities, people it doesn’t agree with or people close to you, your social media is always cutting people down. Sometimes it’s a passive aggressive comment, something it’s not willing to share directly with the person it’s aimed at (though I gotta say, your social media is still pretty obvious about its target). More often than not, however your social media is just downright mean. Unfortunately, it appears to enjoy being mean to others (though it hides behind the ruse that it’s being “direct”).

The strange thing is, your social media just posted about how bad bullying has gotten. It even went as far as to blame the media, lack of religion, too much religion, drugs, bad parenting, helicopter parenting, GMO foods, Cthulu, pop/rock/rap/big band music and video games for the problem despite being (in my opinion) the biggest contributor.

What it may not realize is that children are also tuned in to your social media and because they relate it to you, they think you’re one in the same. See, the biggest difference between children and adults is that children are quite impressionable (though adults can be as well). Essentially, children are getting the impression that it’s ok to let loose with toxic commentary, complain about problems as opposed to finding solutions and react with unbridled emotion rather than thoughtfulness. They’re also being led to believe that the world is black and white, when it’s actually draped in shades of grey (not the book, definitely not a title for impressionable kids to read).

I’m only saying this to you because I know that your social media has gotten out of control and is trying to take you down with it. I’ve run with a bad crowd before too and it was tough to disassociate myself with it. The thing is, it can be done. You’re a shiny, huggable bundle of cuddliness; don’t let your social media continue to sully your reputation with its antics.

Your Friend,

Ethan