Solid Observations / Writies

Hey Women! Stop Winning So Much Bread!


So I just found out that my wife is undermining society in a way that could lead to the loss of our entire generation. I feel like I need to apologize on her behalf as I’m a fan of society and the thought of it being undermined makes me sick to my stomach. The worst part of it is, she’s been doing this under my nose our entire relationship and I didn’t even know it. I feel like I’ve let you all down but most of all, I feel like I’ve let down America.

In hindsight, I’ve identified a few occasions where I probably should have stood my ground and upheld my dominance in our relationship.  I am a man of course, and based on a number of scientific and pseudo-scientific sources, I should be the one tasked with bringing home the bacon while my wife primes her womb for the expulsion of a new generation. It being the 21st century and all, I thought it was great that she wanted to get a job and contribute to society. Unfortunately, I gave her an inch and she took a mile, somehow becoming successful in her career despite her instincts being better suited for the upkeep of our home. This has led to our current situation where she and I have switched roles and responsibilities completely.

I really wish I would have seen this video a long time ago, but politicians have been too cowardly to warn the country of the implications of  women making more money than men. Fortunately I saw it before we had children as we discussed the possibility of me staying home with them, a gigantic mistake and one that would have sent a shock-wave through our already fragile nation. Who knows how that child would have turned out? Obviously, they’d eventually turn to drugs as a means of coping with the fact that their father attempted to raise them.  I mistakenly thought that my former role as a social worker alongside the many volunteer opportunities with children I’ve had would be enough to prepare me for child rearing, but apparently that was a bit naive. Luckily, we don’t plan to have children anytime soon. That gives me plenty of time to put her straight.

The thing is, I’m not entirely sure how to reverse the damage that my wife has already done. She’s grown accustomed to being successful and relying on me to cook, clean and nurture our cat family (though I should probably be careful with that as well). Trust me, when she gets home tonight, I’m going to sit her down and  give her a piece of my mind, but what if she ignores me in the same sort of way she ignored my request for a ping pong table and the giant horse statue I saw at the thrift shop? As a dominant man, I should have some means of controlling my wife, but I think those faculties are long gone.

I know I can’t hit her as spousal abuse is looked down upon (or is it?) and she’s stubborn enough to continue acting in an unpatriotic way despite how loud I yell.  I’d go and inform her superiors of this problem, but being that they’re European, they probably wouldn’t understand the issue. I realize that the best course of action may be to just walk away from the marriage, but then I’d be contributing to the “war on marriage” as well. If she doesn’t get the drift I’m afraid that upon our return, she’d be stoned in the town square. This would crush me, but a traitor is a traitor and I’d need to put my feeling aside for the good of my countrymen.

I know I’m supposed to be giving the advice on this website, but apparently Model Husband is run by anything but. If anyone has a good way of explaining this to my wife, I’m all ears.


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