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When I was growing up, the maintenance of one’s skin was restricted to preventing acne flare ups and rubbing anti bacterial gel on open wounds (ones earned though manly endeavors like fist fights and cutting down trees). I stuck to this ideology for a large portion of my life, turning my nose up at the idea of intensive skin care being a component of my daily hygiene routine. After 29 years I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that the primping of one’s epidermal layer is not an activity reserved solely for the ladies in our lives.

I wrote about my epiphany in regards to hair conditioner a few months back, and I feel the same way about skin care now. It’s not that I wanted to up my game as a means of competing with the fresh faced Europeans that surround me on a daily basis. The fact of the matter is, my game was non-existent and my lady was suffering for it.

The biggestissue I had was the coarseness of my starter beard. From a distance, it prevents people from mistaking me for a sizable toddler, but it lacked the comfort needed for intimate encounters like snuggling and Eskimo kisses. For those of you in committed relationships, you know that a strong foundation of both is needed to keep love strong. While I could have just shaved, I needed to keep my street cred high so I turned to the Origins line of skin care products as a way of keeping my beard looking tough on the outside, but soft where it counted. This was mostly accomplished with a two prong attack consisting of an exfoliating scrub and an overnight moisturizer.  Should I need further skin-hancement, I also had a mask, non abrasive face lather and tea tree oil that could help take me to an unprecedented level of smooth.

The day after my intensive skin care regimen, I noticed a huge difference, not only in my beard but in the way my skin looked and felt. My skin used to feel like that of a lizard, but it was now more like the what I assume a dolphin feels like.  I’ve never touched a dolphin, but they look super soft. Additionally, I felt like I was quite a bit more aerodynamic as the wind wasn’t getting caught on the flaky battlefield that used to cover my body. I tested this theory with a foot race against a swan that tended to chase me away from a nearby park. While I always got away from the aggressive swan pretty easily, I got away that much faster this time. The speed tests ended shortly thereafter as I was pretty winded. Smooth skin doesn’t necessarily equate to a high level of fitness.

I’d learned my lesson from my conditioner experience, so the new found skin softness didn’t go to my head. That is until I started to apply moisturizer to my hands and arms, soon convincing myself that a career as a lower arm model might be in order. In fact, I could pose holding the exact products that brought me to this conclusion. After doing a bit of research, I found that most male lower arm models tend to advertise things like axes and Axe body wash and all of them had hairier and more muscular forearms than me. As for modeling female products, my man fingers gave me away (I’m not to a proficient level of nail care yet). I decided to look up the term “teen hands” thinking my arms might be of better use to a market with a bit less testosterone, but the search results ended up being well outside my comfort zone.

While I ended yet another new personal care experience with a certain level of disappointment, there’s nothing disappointing about having immaculate skin. Breaking down gender barriers is something I’ve become pretty efficient at and this is one that the men of the world need to take notice of immediately. We’re getting wicked flaky bros, let’s lotion the fuck up.