Energy. We needz it and we needz it quickly. That’s the reason why coffee chains like Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts are rolling in the dough*.

But drinking coffee is for old people. Who wants bad breath, stained teeth, and the pressing urge to defecate in one’s own britches? That’s why companies wised up to the demands of a younger generation who wanted a more extreme energy drink that would allow us to maintain our dazzling smiles, minty-fresh breath, and unsoiled undergarments.

They created energy drinks so you, the youth of America, would never have to fight the urge to sleep when you’re doing something extremely radical with your friends… like cow-tipping or going for a skinny dip in your neighbor’s pool late at night while they’re asleep**. So as a public service to you, the reader, we’ve decided to review some energy drinks***.

Monster Energy Drink, Uno/Cinco Stars

Pros: Monster tastes decent and will certainly give you a quick kick in the ass. Free stuff for loyal customers!

Cons: It’s kind of pricey per can and could possibly kill you. But hey, 21 million rednecks who drink the stuff on the daily and outfit their mobile homes and dilapidated cars with Monster stickers can’t be wrong, right? When the surge of energy is over (crash), you’ll feel like taking a nap… and because of the high sugar content you’ll actually be able to lay your head on a pillow fashioned out of your own moobs.

Additional Analysis: Does the clerk give you a Monster hat with every 4th purchase of the drink or do you actually have to fill out a form? I’ve seen a majority of the people who drink Monster Energy, and it looks like they can barely read and write, so I’d think there are no forms involved, but I could be wrong.

Also, plastering Monster Energy Drink stickers on everything you own is kind of tacky. If you’re an avid supporter/consumer of Monster, STOP DOING THIS.

Red Bull, Uno.5/5 Stars

Pros: You’ll get jacked up. Mixes surprisingly well with Jagermeister. Red Bull sponsors a bunch of really extreme sporting events, many of which you’ll need an energy drink to appropriately enjoy.

Cons: By itself, it tastes like jet fuel rife with ball sweat. It’s also pretty expensive per can and those cans are tiny. Can also probably kill you. You’ll crash when your high runs out. Also made with a shit-ton of sugar, which is also bad news for your moobs.

Additional Analysis: Red Bull = Nasty. Jagermeister = Disgusting. Jagermeister + Red Bull = DELICIOUS. It flies in the face of chemistry and rational thought, but these two ingredients, when mixed together, create a delicious alcoholic beverage that will get you drunk enough to make some bad decisions, give you the energy to make those bad decisions, and will also probably kill you^.

Rock Star Energy, Uno/Cinco Stars 

Pros: Meh.

Cons: Meh.

Additional Analysis: It’s pretty much the same as Monster, just with a different name. It’s flashier and isn’t consumed primarily by rednecks (probably because they’re not as quick to give away merchandise). It’s like the classier energy drink (as far as I can tell) because I don’t see hilljacks drinking it or completely outfitting themselves with their swag.

Cocaine**, Tres/Cinco Stars

Pros: HOLY SHIZ I’M JACKED UP AND FEEL GREAT!!

Cons: I FEEL AMAZING! THIS, IN NO WAY, CAN EVER GO BAD! IT’S LIKE A WONDER DRUG OF ENERGY AND I DON’T HAVE TO TASTE IT! WAIT… WHAT’S THIS? MY NOSE IS BLEEDING? NO BIG DEAL! WHO HAS TIME TO TEND TO A NOSE BLEED WHEN THERE ARE ALL THESE THINGS I HAVE TO GO DO!!

\becomes addicted to cocaine.

Additional Analysis: Although not technically an energy drink, we’d be doing a disservice if we didn’t discuss the health benefits of cocaine. It’s a great way to clean out your sinuses and get an entire week of chores/work done in 2 hours. The remainder the time you would have spent doing that week’s worth of work can instead be used to slow your heart rate down to a semi-managable level, and even research the costs of a 28-day stay in the Betty Ford Clinic (or Jerome Bettis-Ford Clinic, if you so choose).

Chernobly, Dos.5/Cinco Stars

Pros: Exceptionally good for helping your travel back in time to 1986.

Cons: Exceptionally good for helping you travel back in time to 1986. DeLoreans are better. Also, could make some uptight ski patrol guy think you’re a Russian spy trying to take over the United States of America. RED DAWN! WOLVERINES!

Additional Analysis: Hot Tub Time Machine is one of the most underrated movies they show on repeat on Comedy Central.

5-Hour Energy, Cuatro.5/Cinco Stars

Pros: A LOT of energy. It’s like diet cocaine; all the energy, none of the nose bleeds, withdrawals, or desire to perform sexual acts to get more. Made from all-natural stuff (as far as I can tell), and you won’t crash when it wears off. Each shot is only 5 calories, so the moob threat level is zero.

Cons: Kind of pricey at ~$3 per shot,and it’s a tiny little bottle. Despite only having 5 calories per bottle, it’s so sweet and tangy it tastes like you’re guzzling fairy jizz.

Additional Analysis: Although this shot is purported to be made out of “all natural” ingredients, I’m fairly sure you shouldn’t go drinking multiple shots in a 24-hour period^^. I would just think that if you did consume several shots in one day, your kidneys and liver might commit suicide.

FRS Energy, Cuatro/Cinco Stars

Pros: Natural energy and not caffeinated (sometimes we rely too much on caffeine that it has no effect on us). Good way to get energy if you’re trying to avoid caffeine stimulants. Made from all natural ingredients. Designed by scientists with athletes in mind. Increases mitochondria counts so working out doesn’t feel like such a drag. Low calorie options available, but even the regular stuff has low sugar content.

Cons: TASTES. LIKE. SHIT. If you’re going to try it, go for the low-cal peach mango flavor. That’s at least tolerable. You don’t really get a caffeine-like stimulant high, it’s more like a mental focus and a “I can do this” kind of energy, if that makes any sense. Also, it used to be promoted by Lance Armstrong, so do what you will with that information. Costs the same as a 5-hour energy shot, so it’s pretty pricey for a similar size bottle without the buzz you get from a 5-hour energy shot. But even if you get the 10 ounce cans or the milk carton of FRS Energy, it’s extremely pricey per unit.

Additional Analysis: I’ve been experimenting with this for the past month and I still haven’t made my mind up about it. It could genuinely give you some energy, or it could just be a placebo effect. I only bought it because it was on a BOGO sale, but considering my results are inconclusive, the price per unit of this drink doesn’t warrant any further consideration. But given that I’m trying to move away from caffeinated drinks, it does impart some kind of energy and has helped me beat the feeling of being sluggish and tired during my decaffeination.

Overall, if I had to recommend a product to someone, I’d go with the 5-hour energy. Just be weary of the fairy-jizz taste.

h/t to Matt Moses for the post idea.

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* In Dunkin Donuts’ case, they are literally rolling in the dough. [Editor’s Note: We’d like to apologize for that pathetic excuse for a joke.]

** Model Husband does not condone or suggest you engage in animal cruelty and/or acts that violate state/federal laws.

*** But we’re reviewing them mostly because we drink a ton of them and we really don’t have a lot to do today. So why not, right?

^ If not from an accident, then at least from the STD you contracted from unprotected, drunken sex… or possibly from whatever effect mixing a stimulant and a depressant may have on your heart. It’s a mixed bag of fun!

^^ But I’m also not a doctor, nor do I work for the FDA.