Note to Reader: While reading this, your mind will instinctively begin picturing what Bill’s penis looks like. We apologize in advance.

I CALL BULLSHIT.

If the wearer of one of these “Pure Ecstasy” condoms is supposed to feel some sort of enjoyment or wonderful tingling sensation in their naughty bits whilst making  love with their wife/girlfriend, you’re not even close, Trojan.

I’m an “average” guy (if you catch my drift) so I assumed that when I was searching for some dick bags in the “average guy” portion of the contraceptive aisle, they would fit an “average guy” and instead not require a monster wang for the raincoat to fit snugly.

I guess I expected too much. What I ended up getting was no where near what was advertised on the box.

To put it bluntly, the box of “Pure Ecstasy” condoms specifically says, “Feels Like Nothing’s There!”. That statement would be 100% accurate when you consider that I almost couldn’t feel the sex I was having with my wife because the condom is so thick.

No seriously, I think my penis would have experienced a more pleasurable sensation if I had instead used a trash bag. In fact, my wife might have enjoyed it, too, had I selected a Force Flex trash bag.

Force Flex Trash Bags: Ribbed for her pleasure.

These “Pure Ecstasy” condoms are thick. Like Kevlar thick. While wearing one of these condoms, my penis could be shot with a gun and it would sustain no permanent damage, that’s a Model Husband Guarantee™.

I can understand wanting to be safe and not get someone pregnant or catch a sexually transmitted disease, but that’s no reason to turn a condom into a biohazard suit. That just sends the wrong message to your partner. “Hey, I know you look really clean and all, but I’m scared AF that you’re a dirty, dirty tramp.”

Honestly, that’s just rude.

Fun Fact: These would be the best condoms to buy if you’re a “quick draw” (cough*PREMATURE*cough) or getting ready to mess around with that one girl. Don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about. You do. Don’t be coy.

So exactly where is the “Pure Ecstasy” this box promises? Is it the ecstasy Trojan CEOs get in knowing that you paid $15 for a box of 10 condoms that are better suited for lining the interior of a garbage can than lining the outside of your crankshaft? I’d probably experience that same kind of Pure Ecstasy if I managed to convince someone that our diabetic dog was the dog in the movie “The Artist” and sell him for a king’s ransom. [See also, FLEECING.]

But instead, I’m now left with a $15 box of 9 condoms which will never see “action” in the forseeable future… absent certain circumstances, of course. [Most notably no other option because we ran through all the “good” condoms.] I’m trying to think of alternative uses for these dick bags, but I’m really struggling.

Water balloon? Normally when you throw a water balloon at someone, you’re intentions are to get them wet after the balloon bursts. [Editor’s Note: That’s what she said!] But if I were to throw a Pure Ecstasy water balloon at someone, there’s absolutely ZERO chance it will burst considering it’s made of a tough, impenetrable material.

So what did I do with a product that didn’t meet my expectations? I did what any other self-respecting mid-westerner would do when presented with a similar situation; I wrote an angry letter to the company.

Here, in it’s entirety, is that letter.

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Dear Makers of Trojan “Pure Ecstasy” Condoms,

I’m writing because Pure Ecstasy condoms suck. The claims you make on the packaging can best be described as false advertisement. I felt nothing close to Pure Ecstasy when I used these condoms and they definitely do not feel like “nothing’s there”.

Let me state that I am an “average” male, but upon opening the box of condoms, I was immediately worried I had accidentally purchased your Magnum variety. I was fairly sure that I avoided this part of the condom aisle when making my selection, so imagine how intimidated I felt upon seeing the girth of the condom while it was still in it’s package. Are you under the impression that the average American male has a member that is 8 inches in length and the circumference of a soda can? If so, I believe you’ve watched one too many pornographic films.

Did you also know that the retail price for a box of these condoms (a 10 pack to be precise) is FIFTEEN DOLLARS? Given that I only used one condom (before realizing that I had been fleeced), I paid $15 to have sex one time. Although that may be a good price for the finest of street walkers in New Jersey, it’s a rather absorbent price for copulating with my wife.

I’m writing to request a refund as this product doesn’t come close to meeting the claims made on the box. If you would like, I would be more than happy to return the unused condoms so you can use them to fleece someone else. Unfortunately, I’m not able to return the “used” condom for (what I hope are) obvious reasons. If you are not willing to grant me a refund, I will have no choice but to do what I can with the remaining 9 condoms for a purpose for which they are better suited, namely trash bags.

These dick bags suck. Stop making them, or at least stop claiming they “feel like nothing’s there” and allow the wearer to experience your version of “pure ecstasy”. It’s a sham. You know it and I know it.

Unless of course your box of “Pure Ecstasy” condoms came with a few tablets of ecstasy (the psychotropic drug) that I overlooked. That could help to explain the cost of the box of condoms and why my penis couldn’t feel the sex while using your product (because people who are on drugs rarely need additional sensations while tripping).

If that is the case, please ignore my request for a refund (see below) and could you instead provide me with the drugs seeing as the box I purchased was absent this component. I’ll just assume this was an oversight on your part. You can make restitution by mailing me said drugs to my address (listed below).

But let’s be honest, I doubt you’re in the business of shelling out drugs with your products.

In closing, please refund the $13.50 I paid for the remaining 9 condoms. It’s the least you could do for ruining my wife’s birthday seeing as I purchased these as a “special treat” on a recent trip we took.

And just so you know, she thought the condom sucked, too.

Warmest regards,

Bill Brumbach

[Address and Contact Information Redacted]