Solid Observations / Writies

Parenting Advice: How To Bully Proof Your Child


alphawolfOther than finding out that you gave birth  to the literal spawn of Satan, discovering that your child is the victim of a bully is one of the worst things a parent has to deal with as their child grows up. Nothing can can be more detrimental to the healthy development of a young person than being terrorized by peers while at school. Despite how good of a parent you are, there is very little you can do to stave off the effects as direct intervention will only make the bullying worse. You could always take the time to teach your child about self-confidence, ignoring negativity or finding some common ground with their bullies, but none of that will guarantee universal bully protection. Fortunately for you all, I have the key to preventing your child from ever being picked on again.

As much as I’d like to advocate teaching your offspring Krav Maga, thus giving them the offensive tool set to deter bullies, violence only begets more violence. Plus, I can’t guarantee the bullies themselves don’t already know martial arts. If that happens to be the case, your kids will then need to recruit other combat capable kids which will result in the bully doing the same. Before you know it, there’s a gigantic battle royale occurring at your local elementary school and regardless of how electrifying the fight choreography happens to be, it’s really not something the world needs right now.

The fact of the matter is that your children’s cherub like exterior might as well be a huge bulls-eye for bullies. Their bright eyes, rosy cheeks and sophisticated clothing style speak of an individual that’s looking forward to life, ready for the next challenge and excited to brighten somebody’s day. While this will eventually aid them in becoming the sort of person people like having around, it won’t prevent a bully from trying to make them miserable.

The best way to prevent bullying is to make sure your kid isn’t a target in the first place. You know who never gets bullied? It’s not the rich kids, or the big kids or even the unbelievably attractive kids. It’s the kids with the beat-up leather jackets, thousand yard stares and nothing to lose. To survive in this horrible bully filled dystopia, your child must adopt the characteristics of the aforementioned individuals.

Your child’s demeanor should reflect a tortured soul that’s constantly torn between doing what’s right and doing what they have to do to survive.  They should do their best to hide all emotions, only letting a slight glimmer in their eyes show through, a glimmer that subtly hints at the fact that they’ve seen things that would reduce normal folks to quivering piles of jelly. This can be further conveyed by how they drink their whiskey (2 fingers, straight, leave the bottle) and the way in which their cigarettes dangle out of their mouths as they scratch their dead partner’s name into a wooden table with a switchblade.

People should see your child as a loose cannon, perfectly capable of existing in modern society but moments away from snapping if the conditions are right.  They should be ready to do whatever it takes to get the job done, even if that means bending the rules to get a good for nothing low life to spill his guts before your child spills them for him. If your child has never been asked to hand over their badge and gun, they’re already behind the curve.

When other children see your kid walk into a room, their natural reaction will be to begin whispering about them while trying to avoid making direct eye contact. They aren’t making fun of your child as much as they’re trying to piece together their mysterious back story, going on little more than a checkered past and rumors from their previous schools. When asked directly about their life, your child should grin softly and say, “I ain’t got the time and you ain’t got the booze for that,”.

While building their reputation, your kid should avoid developing any close relationships with people, citing that “people get hurt when they get too close”.  They should decline invites to any parties, only to show up at the last minute when they get the feeling that someone is “in a pinch”. They should then leave as quickly as they got there, the last light of the evening sun illuminating their silhouette as they make their way “who knows where for god knows what”. It wouldn’t hurt for your child to stop for a moment as they do this, quietly considering what things would be like if they’d stuck on the straight and narrow instead of swerving onto the path they find themselves today. Perhaps one day they’ll settle down and hang out with friends, attend a Sadie Hawkins dance or even play an organized sport, but that day won’t be today. They’ll smile at the prospect, nodding at the group of children gathered and staring at them from the doorway. The gesture will be the first bit of emotion your child will ever show, but it will be enough to make their classmates realize that there’s a human behind that cold, dark shell that sits at the back of the class.

If your child can maintain this attitude up until high school, they’ll be safe from bullies. If this strategy doesn’t work, it’s because they didn’t sell it or because they let their emotions influence decisions that street smarts should have.

I am not a parent, but I’ve seen plenty of movies and am quite confident that I can help your raise your sweet little babies. That being said, don’t listen to anything I have to say, it’s mostly made up.

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