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A Tale of Starch: My Descent into Madness (and Sleepiness)

waffles

Well hello everyone, it’s been quite some time hasn’t it? I know you may be curious as to what the esteemed staff at Model Husband has been doing for the last few weeks and I’m here to do my best to explain. I’d love to say we were doing really important behind the scenes work, but  that would be an untruth as bold as claiming the Earth is flat or that the bubonic plague can be cured through an elixir brewed from urine and feces. The fact of the matter is, the reasoning behind our extended absence is hard to explain through scientific or even pseudo scientific conjecture. That being said, I will do my best to describe, why we’ve been unable to publish any work for over three weeks.

It was 2 weeks ago this past Sunday that I saw my beloved wife depart for a business trip that would take her to the Canadian territories, specifically the city of Montreal in the province of Quebec.  She’d ask me to accompany her on this voyage, but I had business to attend to in Cologne the following week. Looking back, I wish I’d taken her up on the offer, but my pride and youthful gusto prevented me from admitting that two weeks without my love would be far too much to bear.

Upon returning home to our flat in Berlin, I felt a chill that enveloped the entirety of my being, it’s effects exasperated by the emptiness of a space meant to be warmed by the love of a young couple. I ignored the sensations, not wanting to be the sort of individual that ceases to function when separated by those most important to him. To take my mind off of things, I retired to my study to began my usual affairs, noting a slight grumble in the pit of my stomach that could only be the result of hunger. Being easily hindered by a lack of sustenance,  I made my way to the local market to stock up on food for the next few days.

I had intended to purchase foods rich in nutrients, as a malnourished body leads to a malnourished brain. Upon entering the grocer, I realized the folly in shopping while hungered and  began to make nourishment choices that could result in ill health or an expanded wasteline. I decided that a few days of gluttony couldn’t possibly hurt. In fact, the idea of comfort foods may even help with the bitter heartache that was manifesting itself within my core. Throwing caution to the wind, I stocked up on all manner of treats and started on my way home before a strange, otherworldly power overtook my mind as I passed the bread, pastry and confectionery aisle.

There upon a crude wooden shelf was a package of waffles imported directly from the mysterious lands of Belgium. Despite my bags being filled to their breaking point, I felt inclined to grab a package or two, as if some cruel, demonic puppet master had taken control of the marionette that was once my body. I grabbed the waffles and stuffed them into my bag, suddenly overcome with hunger that had magnified greatly since my initial discomfort.

I felt the disapproving eyes of passerbys as I rushed home, my eyes wild and crazed; I was a man possessed and in desperate need of a toaster oven. I finally made it home, almost ripping the large wooden door leading into the courtyard off it’s hinges in a desperate race to my kitchen.

I quickly fixed a meal of waffles and bacon, complimented by a cool glass of milk and a healthy helping of maple syrup. The time between the meal being completed and my full ingestion of it could not have been more than a mere few minutes, but I was finally satiated. Suddenly, I was overcome with a weariness I had not felt for quite some time and decided that a short nap was in order.

I awoke 6 hours later, confused and gripped yet again by a hunger that bore through me like a rapier. Despite having a refrigerator stocked with foods I was quite fond of, I found that none of it seemed appetizing, save for one item; the waffles. I again prepared the waffles in the manner described earlier, consuming them and falling asleep immediately afterwards, only this time I awoke 8 hours later, feeling even more hungry and disoriented than before.

After three days of this cycle, I began to lose control of my mind. The thought of doing anything outside of eating waffles and sleeping was too much to bear and I confined myself to my room, pulling the curtains as tight as possible to prevent the sunlight from forcing it’s way through (during this period, I also discovered a strange sensitivity to the rays of the sun and the laughter of children).

The only way to hold back the waffle cravings and subsequent naps was by drinking large quantities of alcohol as the spirits worked to hold back the power the waffles had upon me. Unfortunately, this treatment birthed a new issue as I suddenly began to crave beer in large quantities, eventually being reduced to an inebriated shadow of myself that would be better received during my university years.

I find myself three weeks later, full of regret and wishing I’d had a stronger constitution. The past can not be altered, however and I can do little more than apologize for my poor judgement.

For fans of of brevity, I haven’t written anything because I ate a shit ton of waffles and drank too much beer. Avoid this combo at all costs.

Sources

The Apple Slice

67 thoughts on “A Tale of Starch: My Descent into Madness (and Sleepiness)

  1. LOL…Next time set aside your manly pride and travel with Aubrey…it would have been WONDERFUL to see you!!
    I love you!
    Mom

  2. I feel I lived the same life this weekend except with pancakes and beer. Having not consumed wheat products in over six months, I can now see why. All that sleep and the world just zooms by!

  3. Why blame the waffles? It was probably the maple syrup that did you in. And had you gone to Quebec…well, that’s where the world’s biggest supply of maple syrup is warehoused. Just thank your lucky stars you stayed home.

  4. Boy oh boy does your Waffle with the scary face look kind creepy.. . Remember that talking Orange on YouTube? The one with the yellow teeth, that also creeps me out for some reason. Is the waffle head from one of those videos?

  5. Waffles and Devils Food Cake. Both creations from the dark side. Ye have been warned. . .

    Beer, on the other hand, was made in monasteries by pious men so it must be goodness.

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  7. This is hysterical…thanks for telling us what happens to our husbands when we leave town. Although I do sometimes find tins of sardines and pickled okra and other bizarre foods in the house, wondering how they got there…..

  8. you poor obsessed soul! Obviously, you haven’t tried KFC with mashed potatoes/gravy. I have been known to eat off a large bucket with extra side orders for three days at a time. Oh, well, to each his own!

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  10. Speaking of waffles.. Have you ever made YEAST raised waffles? I make yeast raised pancakes quite often.. but I don’t have a waffle iron.

  11. I actually think yeast raised Funnel Cakes sound better than the baking powder ones we see at local fairs and down in central PA!

  12. Excellent post and sound advice. One semester in college I discovered the waffle maker in college…and it just happen to be placed not too far from the soda dispenser. That’s right every morning it was waffles with bacon and Coca-Cola. It was…wonderful. But it couldn’t last as next semester I was forced to hit the gym due to sunned weight gain syndrome. Sure I’m healthier for it but there will always be that hole in me, longing for the old days…days of sweet maple sugary goodness.

  13. Hahaha! That was fantastic! I feel your shame my friend, I’ve been searching for that “special” sugar that’s in those waffles so I can make them myself!

  14. Typical physical response to an overdose of sugar – starch in the waffles, straight sugar in the syrup. Good test of Carbohydrate tolerance. You cannot tolerate too many grams per day. Let this be your guide going forward. Its neither the waffles NOR the syrup. It is the fact that too many waffles with syrup will be your downfall…and there is no way to limit the amount because sugar is addictive!

  15. I can only hope you wife has returned and ended your misery 😀
    As an Australian, I personally find it very strange to 1: eat waffles 2: eat them with bacon and – stranger still – 3: with maple syrup. I can’t help but wonder… Does one eat it with a knife and fork, lol, or as a sandwhich? Heck, man, no wonder you were ill. Thanks for the entertainment. This is the best blog I’ve read.

      • Lol, I wondered. We eat bacon and eggs, but the waffle thing… no one does it here, unless its with ice cream in a bowl like dessert. Aussies would never eat bacon with maple syrup, but I find it interesting, and that three small ingredients – not including copious amounts of beer – could create such havoc. Now, see, we do meat pies…oh yeah, love them. You people seem to eat all sorts of fruit pies. We don’t, but gee, I’d like to. 🙂 Keep up the awesome blog.

  16. “waffles and bacon, complimented by a cool glass of milk and a healthy helping of maple syrup” My God that sounds delicious. I just had a chocolate mint brownie and a glass of milk and suddenly it seems inadequate. What am I doing? I need to go out and buy waffles. Now.

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