Well hello everyone, it’s been quite some time hasn’t it? I know you may be curious as to what the esteemed staff at Model Husband has been doing for the last few weeks and I’m here to do my best to explain. I’d love to say we were doing really important behind the scenes work, but that would be an untruth as bold as claiming the Earth is flat or that the bubonic plague can be cured through an elixir brewed from urine and feces. The fact of the matter is, the reasoning behind our extended absence is hard to explain through scientific or even pseudo scientific conjecture. That being said, I will do my best to describe, why we’ve been unable to publish any work for over three weeks.
It was 2 weeks ago this past Sunday that I saw my beloved wife depart for a business trip that would take her to the Canadian territories, specifically the city of Montreal in the province of Quebec. She’d ask me to accompany her on this voyage, but I had business to attend to in Cologne the following week. Looking back, I wish I’d taken her up on the offer, but my pride and youthful gusto prevented me from admitting that two weeks without my love would be far too much to bear.
Upon returning home to our flat in Berlin, I felt a chill that enveloped the entirety of my being, it’s effects exasperated by the emptiness of a space meant to be warmed by the love of a young couple. I ignored the sensations, not wanting to be the sort of individual that ceases to function when separated by those most important to him. To take my mind off of things, I retired to my study to began my usual affairs, noting a slight grumble in the pit of my stomach that could only be the result of hunger. Being easily hindered by a lack of sustenance, I made my way to the local market to stock up on food for the next few days.
I had intended to purchase foods rich in nutrients, as a malnourished body leads to a malnourished brain. Upon entering the grocer, I realized the folly in shopping while hungered and began to make nourishment choices that could result in ill health or an expanded wasteline. I decided that a few days of gluttony couldn’t possibly hurt. In fact, the idea of comfort foods may even help with the bitter heartache that was manifesting itself within my core. Throwing caution to the wind, I stocked up on all manner of treats and started on my way home before a strange, otherworldly power overtook my mind as I passed the bread, pastry and confectionery aisle.
There upon a crude wooden shelf was a package of waffles imported directly from the mysterious lands of Belgium. Despite my bags being filled to their breaking point, I felt inclined to grab a package or two, as if some cruel, demonic puppet master had taken control of the marionette that was once my body. I grabbed the waffles and stuffed them into my bag, suddenly overcome with hunger that had magnified greatly since my initial discomfort.
I felt the disapproving eyes of passerbys as I rushed home, my eyes wild and crazed; I was a man possessed and in desperate need of a toaster oven. I finally made it home, almost ripping the large wooden door leading into the courtyard off it’s hinges in a desperate race to my kitchen.
I quickly fixed a meal of waffles and bacon, complimented by a cool glass of milk and a healthy helping of maple syrup. The time between the meal being completed and my full ingestion of it could not have been more than a mere few minutes, but I was finally satiated. Suddenly, I was overcome with a weariness I had not felt for quite some time and decided that a short nap was in order.
I awoke 6 hours later, confused and gripped yet again by a hunger that bore through me like a rapier. Despite having a refrigerator stocked with foods I was quite fond of, I found that none of it seemed appetizing, save for one item; the waffles. I again prepared the waffles in the manner described earlier, consuming them and falling asleep immediately afterwards, only this time I awoke 8 hours later, feeling even more hungry and disoriented than before.
After three days of this cycle, I began to lose control of my mind. The thought of doing anything outside of eating waffles and sleeping was too much to bear and I confined myself to my room, pulling the curtains as tight as possible to prevent the sunlight from forcing it’s way through (during this period, I also discovered a strange sensitivity to the rays of the sun and the laughter of children).
The only way to hold back the waffle cravings and subsequent naps was by drinking large quantities of alcohol as the spirits worked to hold back the power the waffles had upon me. Unfortunately, this treatment birthed a new issue as I suddenly began to crave beer in large quantities, eventually being reduced to an inebriated shadow of myself that would be better received during my university years.
I find myself three weeks later, full of regret and wishing I’d had a stronger constitution. The past can not be altered, however and I can do little more than apologize for my poor judgement.
For fans of of brevity, I haven’t written anything because I ate a shit ton of waffles and drank too much beer. Avoid this combo at all costs.