After a stint writing Jurassic Park fan fiction in elementary school, I more or less put my writing on the back burner until college. Given that I had suppressed what is arguably my greatest talent, it was no surprise that I created my own blog while studying at Purdue University. That blog was called Ethanville and it was absolutely horrible.
Because I’m currently in the middle of preparing for a new project ( you’ll hear about it shortly), I decided to dig up some more content from Ethanville. Let this be a lesson to any would be writers or content producers out there; not everything you create should be published for the world to see. The funny thing is, I’ll probably look back on Model Husband in ten years and feel the same way, which means I’ll be able to revisit this series as Then vs. Now 2.0.
I am presenting the following document in its original form. I guarantee you that there are aspects of this review that are probably offensive. Rest assured that I’ve grown quite a bit in the last ten years, though maybe not as much as many would have hoped.
Review of From Justin to Kelly
What do you get when you cross spring break, dancing American idol contestants, and a PG rating? The best musical romantic comedy eva motherfucka! That’s right, From Justin to Kelly is a rip roaring roller coaster ride through one of the most complex plots ever represented in musical comedy. The film starts off with Kelly randomly singing on stage. Is she a singer? No way motherfucka, too easy. She is just a waitress singing randomly, biatch. Eventually her friends show up, and after a whole 30 seconds of coaxing get Kelly to drop everything and drive them to Florida.
The exciting part, is Kelly has two different friends, each representative of a common “college age girl”. One is the usual bimbo slut southern belle, and the other is black. (Do they all have southern accents because they live in the south, Hell no, that’d be too damn cliché. Just one of them does for a touch of reality.) What more could you ask for?
If you said elaborate sub plots, then you are f-ing correct. Kelly ain’t the only American idol finalist on vacation. Hell no, Justin is here too. And he happens to be friends with a playa and a complete dork, cause all nice guys have friends such as this. Basically the three of them run BRJ parties, where they make money for inviting people to parties. Which, in my opinion made aboslutley no sense, but from a heterosexual point of view, they was hot! Except the dork, he was….a dork.
As the movie progresses, I thought, “Ho hum, another teeny bop movie, yada yada yada” But then the poop was knocked right out my ass! Boom, dance number and elaborate song including vocals from every one of the 6 main characters. BOOYAH! Can’t get any better than this! OR can it….Yes, it can!! Kelly and Justin lock eyes, and begin doing an elaborate dance together and immediately fall in love, starting the ball running for the big conflict in the movie.
But wait, did I mention sub plot? If you are sick of movies without a lot of them, then you are going to like this movie by a large margin. There are a million. One consists of the playa guy always getting fined by this lone police woman. Everywhere he goes, she busts his ass. She even busts him for running into a display case filled with glass figurines, which makes it obvious she likes him cause there ain’t nothing illegal bout that. But hey, that’s not where it ends. The dork is on a quest to meet up with a woman that he met, silence, wait for it, on a chat room!! Holy shit, if this ain’t original, then I am a complete homo! Every time they are about to meet, WHAZUP, either one of them turns in a different direction. Did I mention BOOYAH?!!! But can’t leave the ladies out, for the black chick finds a wee bit of romance as well. After a chance accident where she spills her drink on herself, she is saved from eventual evaporation by a sexy Latino man. He goes to the effort of throwing salt onto her lap, and slowly rubbing it into her hoo hoo castle, with a bit of club soda. If this is not an act of Chivarly, then I don’t know what is. COWABUNGA!
But what’s love without a little conflict, and yes folks, young people have conflict. Kelly’s slutty friend wants to get with the J-man, and tries her best to do so. She even contacts Kelly’s Texas stalker to come to Florida, resulting in a hover craft race that not only kicks solid ass and is awesome, but ends with the Texas guy almost getting killed when he falls into 3 feet of water. CHA-CHING!!
All in all, From Justin to Kelly was an unseen gem in the mines of crappy movies that seem to endlessly be created in the movie factory called Hollywood. If you need a quick pick me up, or are just in need of a great blockbu…ehhh great movie, then pick up From Justin to Kelly. It will rock your socks and moisten your cocks.
From Justin to Kelly received an 8 out of 10, which basically means that if you do not like it, you are the biggest dillweed ever, and that Ethan and Matt have already purchased plane tickets to stomp a mudhole in your ass.
This series features projects, articles and pictures we created and published in the past. They are presented in their original format as a means of representing the changes that all people go through during the course of their lives and why you should think carefully about the things you put up on social networks, blogs and the internet in general.