Bill and Ethan know things about things.

Q: I am not married and honestly I’m on the fence with marriage in general. It seems to be just a piece of paper that recognizes you as a couple through the government- with a usually expensive ass celebration to go with it. Does the act, celebration, or certificate of marriage have that big of an effect on the bond with your significant other?

Nicole D. (via Facebook)

Bill: Most people are on the fence about marriage… that is unless they’re staring down the barrel of a shotgun because somebody forgot to bring the condoms to prom. So you’re not alone in that regard.

I think if you ask most married people, they would say that they experienced some pre-wedding jitters or apprehensions about getting married in the first place. The thought of such finality in who you will spend the rest of your life with can be rather frightening. I mean, I love steaks but if I eat a steak every day for the rest of my life, eventually I’m going to get tired of steak.

But you don’t have to eat that steak every day. I’m sure the steak would love it if you did eat the steak everyday, but that’s an entirely different conversation. The point is, you have steak anytime you want it and that’s a good thing. But enough with the food analogies.

Marriage is a great thing. As reward for giving part of your hard earned money to your loving, completely dependent wife, she does all the cooking, cleaning, and child care around the house. In return, you get to work hard at your job and come home to your beautiful family, drink a scotch, watch the Jackie Gleason show, and relax.

The above paragraph is what you would have found if you were looking up the benefits of marriage in the 1950’s on the internet. [Editor’s Note: Anachronisms are fun!] It’s 2014 and having a mindset like this will get you beat over the head repeatedly with a frying pan,rolling pin, or served some divorce papers (the other piece of paper that recognizes you as single but with half the possessions and assets).

Marriage IS a great thing, at least for me it is. I married a beautiful, sweet, caring individual who is my better half. She makes me a better person and together almost nothing is impossible to overcome. I can’t say my wife made out well on her end of the deal. All I really bring to our marriage is a quirky sense of humor and a hot, rocking bod. I try to help her out around the house, but I’ll be honest, I just do more damage than good. But at least I try!

Marriage isn’t necessarily defined by a piece of paper. It’s defined by the love you have for each other. So long as you and your partner have a strong bond and a healthy relationship, no piece of paper (or lack thereof) can change that.

Ethan: Bill is 100% correct, though his steak analogy troubles me a bit. I hope he’s getting enough literal steak in his life as I’ve found that the lack of beloved foods can manifest itself in strange ways. I’ve found that I’m relating things to pizza more often than I should. But I digress.

Do you have questions for Model Husband? If so, email me at ethanmoses@hotmail.com or leave a comment on our Facebook page.