For the last few weeks I’ve been carefully monitoring Facebook feeds, forum posts and Reddit comments and I’m getting the impression that many of you are super pissed about…well everything. I can relate as my unusually naive yet enthusiastic writing style masks a broken man full of regrets and sorrow.
That’s what I would say if it wasn’t for the extremely powerful tool I have at my disposal, a tool that makes psychoactive drugs look like band-aids. What is this miracle drug you may ask? No, it’s not alcohol nor is it an herbal remedy sold to me by a cheerful man in a Nike jumpsuit. My drug of choice is the angelic appearance of a sleeping cat.
Like a lot of medicinal origin stories, my discovery is one that began with a bit of a misunderstanding. When I first met my wife, I was so enamored by her that I forgot all about the once cynical man with an overwhelming appetite for self destruction (bit of an exaggeration, but I did eat more McDonald’s than is appropriate). I liked being happy and excited about life. Because of this, I wanted to spend every moment I could with her, though I ran into a span of time that made this all but impossible.
See, every night we’d go to sleep and I’d be forced to spend 8 hours without looking deep into her eyes and humming “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias. As the sun shrank behind the horizon and the oily blackness of night set in, I’d find the old Ethan creeping back up on me. I was afraid that should this continue, I’d begin wearing grungy clothes again, rolling my eyes at babies and talking about how 9/11 was an inside job. This was not the best course of action for me, so I decided that I’d begin watching my future wife sleep while I continued to hum super romantic songs.
This worked for a while, but for some reason I began to get the impression that it was a bit creepy. I’m sure I was over analyzing the situation, but something didn’t feel right about staring at the motionless form of my special little lady. I needed another option, one that was more culturally accepted and allowed me a full night’s rest as well.
By happenstance, I’d decided to purchase a new companion in the form of a cat named Scuffles. I assumed Scuffles primary use would be to protect the house from vermin as well as accompany me on extended adventures (obviously, intense friendship was her true purpose). Little did I know that she’d end up being more useful than that.
I’d come home from a stressful day and noticed that despite the atrocities occurring in the world around me, my little feline friend was resting peacefully. There was something magical about her appearance and I found myself watching her as she took what was one of her many daily naps. Suddenly I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I was at peace. I’d inadvertently found a replacement for watching my future wife sleep, one that was seemingly more powerful since it could be taken in much smaller doses.
Being selfish and fearing scrutiny, I hid this finding from the rest of my peers. Seeing as there’s quite a bit of strife on our planet, I decided now was the optimal time for releasing this cure.
The best thing about watching cats sleep is you don’t even need a cat in order to feel the effects. In fact, you can watch a friend’s cat sleep (with their permission of course) or even look at a picture of a cat sleeping. For really bad days, I recommend at least an hour of watching a cat sleep, though watching a cat sleep for five to ten minutes daily will ensure a consistently positive mood.
*I’ve been told that watching babies sleep is just as effective, though acquiring a sleeping baby is a bit more difficult, especially if you happen to have a thin, wiry mustache.