If you’re anything like me, than Consumer Reports just isn’t badass enough for you. You may be able to give me your arbitrary reviews for certain products, Consumer Reports, but can you tell me how your products will fair in an all-out street brawl in an entertaining way?

I DON’T THINK SO.

Men don’t read consumer reports… unless they regularly use suspenders to keep their pants (and their adult diapers) from falling.

So that’s why we’ve decided to review products on this website.

The first product I’d like to review is also a product that I personally endorse; Breathe Right strips.

If you know me, you know that I have trouble breathing out of my nose*. On a good day, I can breathe easily through one of my nostrils. If I were to ever breathe through both nostrils without assistance, that would be a f**king miracle.

I honestly have no idea what causes my considerable difficulty in breathing through my nose. Maybe I have swollen adenoids? Maybe I have a deviated septum? Maybe it’s the plethora of physical violence my nose has endured over thirty years of life? Either way, my schnoz is jacked up.

Sleeping was always a nightmare before Breathe Right strips. I couldn’t breathe through my nose at night, so I had to sleep with my mouth open. And since I sleep on my stomach, gravity naturally helped the drool flow steadily onto my pillow. It was gross. When I slept, I drooled like a St. Bernard at a bacon expo. Although it’s not normal to have that much drool on my pillow when I woke up, I was still sleeping alone in my bed so no big deal.

Enter college. That period of time when you would sometimes have coed sleepovers. INNOCENT coed sleepovers**. The very last thing you want during a coed sleepover is for your “guest” to see you in a pool of your own drool (let alone sucking your thumb with your other thumb in your ass***).

So when I got to college, I had to do something to hide the fact that I couldn’t breathe through my nose (and was a very moist sleeper) around nocturnal company. I managed to train myself to hold the bottom part of my mouth together to avoid the drool being able to so easily run out of my agape mouth. It worked to some extent, save the fact that I looked like I had a stroke in the middle of the night (one half of my mouth would be open to breathe and the other would be closed shut to keep the drool from leaking out).

Conclusion: Looking like a stroke victim was preferable to looking like I was a mouth breathing dummy.

Enter my first Breathe Right strip. I never thought about using a Breathe Right strip in my life because I was convinced there was nothing I could do to rectify the shitty nasal passage I was born with^.

Fast forward to a vacation cruise on Carnival Cruise lines when they gave away free Breathe Right strips.

Fun Fact: I’m sure Carnival is probably regretting the decision to offer free Breathe Right strips on their cruises, as they only helped victims of the Triumph Cruise From Hell smell the feces smeared on the cabin walls that much better^^.

I would never buy a Breathe Right strip, but these were free, so why the hell not? The thing about free stuff is, everyone will use them regardless of the product itself, even if it’s being used in a way that it wasn’t originally intended to be used.

Free shower caps? THANK GOD because I forgot condoms!

Free conditioner? Gonna save some money on lotion and use this to pleasure myself^^^!

Back to what I was saying…. the moment I put on my first Breathe Right strip, I instantly could breathe through both nostrils with ease. My sinuses experienced such vast amounts of oxygen that they almost started gushing blood from sheer excitement. I was tempted to wear it out of the room (regardless of the possible embarassment) just to breathe in an unabridged breath of ocean air.

It was amazing. I fell in love with Breathe Right strips the very moment I put one on. If you have trouble breathing through your nose, too, I highly recommend Breathe Right strips.

Don’t believe me? As further proof as to how much I love breathe right strips, the only thing I asked for on my birthday this year was Breathe Right strips.

Best. F**king. Invention. Ever.

Also, they’ll help you breathe better when fighting a pack of ninjas or gaggle of pirates.

* Having trouble breathing through my nose does not imply that I’m a mouth breathing dummy.

** The term “innocent” is very loosely defined here.

*** I was told this isn’t weird at all and would still be considered the fetal position.

^ Well, probably born with. I’m sure all that head trauma had something to do with my nasal breathing problems.

^^ In case there is any confusion, I was NOT on this particular Cruise From Hell, but I would like to advise all of our readers that any Carnival Cruise is a cruise from hell. This one was just especially bad.

^^^ Word to the wise, don’t ever, EVER use conditioner as a lubricant to pleasure yourself. It feels good while “in the act” but the second you’ve “finished” you will immediately regret it as some of it will undoubtedly seep into your urinary tract and result in uncontrollable burning.