As some of you have probably heard at a wedding you attended (either a friend’s or your own), you know that 1 Corinthians 13 is one of the most commonly read Bible verses at Christian wedding ceremonies*. But this verse was written, like, 2,000 years ago guys. That’s like totes forever ago. SO MUCH HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN! They didn’t even have the original iPhone when this verse was written, that’s how long ago some guy wrote those letters.

Fun Fact: Paul wrote 1 Corinthians while flying on a pterodactyl to Corinth.  

Faux News Fox News has been telling me for a couple weeks now that we are on the cusp of being able to marry livestock! That’s how far we’ve come as a society. This is a very exciting time if you’re a farmer/herder who REALLY loves your profession**!

So given how much times have changed, I thought I’d try my best to update this time-honored Bible verse. So without further adeau, here is Model Husband’s revised version of 1 Corinthians 13 4-7:

Love is patient…

Patient to a point, because the next time I catch you throwing your dirty clothes on the floor, I’m going to murder you. Who do you think I am? Your mommy? Your maid? I work, too! I don’t have time to provide for our family and clean the entire house! NOW PICK UP YOUR SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR BEFORE I GAG YOU WITH YOUR SKIDMARKED UNDERWEAR SO I CAN STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR SOCKS WITHOUT YOUR SCREAMS WAKING THE NEIGHBORS!!

… love is kind.

Would you kindly stop trying to guilt me into having sex with you? I have way to much cleaning to do around this house. IF YOU HELPED OUT A BIT, YOU MIGHT GET SOME BOO NA NA.

It does not envy…

Who’s Tonya? Why is she emailing you things about TPS reports? You guys exchange a lot of emails during the day, and don’t feed me that crap about being co-workers. I know what’s really going on! I SAW YOU LOOKING AT THAT GIRLS BUTT THE OTHER DAY WHEN WE WERE TAKING A WALK. You used to look at me like that! WHEN DID YOU STOP LOVING ME?????

… it does not boast…

I do all these sweet things for you and you don’t do anything for me! I make you dinner, I rub you after you’ve had a stressful day, I even get you little surprises when I’m at the store. What was the last nice thing you did for me?

… it is not proud.

Proud? What do I have to be proud of? A husband who sits around on the couch all day, on the cusp of nudity, as he gorges himself on junk food and watches TV? I’m GLAD you don’t take me out anymore!

It does not dishonor others…

Your mother can go f**k herself!

… it is not self-seeking…

YOU’RE SO SELFISH!! We only do what you want to do! We only watch what you want to watch!

… it is not easily angered…

PICK UP YOUR F**KING SOCKS FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!!!!!

… it keeps no records of wrongs.

Remember that time I caught you looking at that girl’s ASS??

Love does not delight in evil…

Don’t you just love my mother! She’s got to be, hands down, one of the best mother-in-laws in the world, right?

… but rejoices with the truth.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS??? WHO SAYS SUCH A THING TO THEIR WIFE!?!?!?!?!

It always protects…

We are NOT going to spend THAT much money on a home security system and all those guns just so you can “protect your castle”. We have a dog for that. That little poodle has some real fight in him.

… always trusts…

SURPRISE PHONE CHECK!!! I want to see if you and Tanya have been swapping love emails about TPS reports again.

… always hopes…

I really hope this Rogaine works for you…

… always perseveres.

I guess we have to work on our marriage, but only because a divorce would cost too much money.

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* I have no knowledge of what Bible verses are read at Satanic/Pagan wedding ceremonies, but I assume it’s something from the Old Testament or a fond reflection back on the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.

** And by profession, we mean your livestock. VERY INAPPROPRIATE, YO!