I was tending to my usual grocery duties the other day when a young boy hurriedly pushed past me on his way to the checkout line. He almost knocked the carton of eggs I was holding out of my hands and didn’t even acknowledge how rude his actions were. I shook my fist internally, judging both his actions and the inability of his parents to teach him proper respect. If  he was my kid, things like that would never happen. I walked home, fuming at the situation and opened the door to find that my cat had puked all over our comforter and did not give one single fuck.

It is the tendency of people without kids to sit upon their ivory towers and dispense judgement upon others without having a clue what it really takes to foster respectful offspring.  My wife and I are guilty of this more so than anyone, though we’re tactful enough to keep it to ourselves. The problem is, we’re also cat owners. This  makes us incredibly hypocritical as cats are one of the most disrespectful animals on the planet, second only to the trespassing horrors commonly referred to as bugs.

While I’m sure that some parents have to deal with finding their children’s hair in their food, the ratio is probably far lower than the 25% cat hair to actual food ratio we deal with. This is the result of our cats refusal to listen to the “no counter top”  rule that’s been in place since I can remember. It’s not just the fact that they break this rule, but the utter contempt they show us while doing it. I realize kids don’t listen all the time, but I highly doubt they’d go as far as to sit on a counter top and stare smugly at their parents in a similar situation.

I often hear parents complain about feeling like their kids treat them as ATMs or servants, but at least their kids have been taught well enough to mumble a thank you now and again. My cats treat us like slaves, the only thanks being an inconveniently placed hairball near our shoes or a butt in our face ( the butt tending to be more about them wanting us to scratch them and less about an actual thank you).  Can I really be that upset that some kid threw a hissy fit about not getting the toy he wanted when Snuggles wakes me up every morning with whimpers because her food isn’t filled to the very top? Our cats drink out of coffee cups for god’s sake!

Sometimes budgets get tight and everyone has to make sacrifices, sacrifices that are tough for kids to understand completely. When we were trying to save money and slowly transitioned them to a different brand of food, they decided to spray diarrhea on our walls.  Perhaps the transition was quicker than their stomachs could handle, but actually getting liquefied poop on the walls is something that takes planning (this is not the first time they’ve used feces while proving a point).

I love my cats, but let’s be honest here; they’re spoiled little assholes. To the parents that have felt and will ultimately feel that I’m being judgmental in regard to their parenting style, I’m sorry and realize I’m a huge hypocrite. Rest assured that if my future kids turn out anything like my cats, you’ll have plenty to critique me on.