Writies

True Confessions of a Model Husband Part 1

trueconfessions

We all have our secrets. In fact, most things that happen in a marriage, stay within that marriage unless you’re fool enough to broadcast those things using social media.

Fun Fact: If you’re going through a divorce, Facebook is not the place to discuss the details.

But sometimes we can even start to keep secrets from our spouses. That’s what this post is about, the true secrets I’ve been keeping from my spouse that may surprise you… and also some of the secrets in our marriage the rest of the world is ignorant of.

Although, I’m not entirely sure how many of these “secrets” she’s currently aware of and just playing coy. Regardless, here are my true confessions of a model husband.

***

(1) My wife keeps a pretty nice razor in the shower. She has asked me repeatedly to not use this razor for any purpose. But still, I insist on using her razor to not only maintain my body hair, but my nether regions as well. Her razor is just so much nicer than anything I have and does a more effective job at turning Chewbacca the Wookiee into Nowhowabout some Nookie.

(2) I will sometimes intentionally steal my wife’s towel when mine smells slightly rancid, but only when our towels are the same color. When my wife asks me if I used her towel, I always pretend that it was an accident. This charade is a lot harder to pull off when our towels are of a different color.

(3) Sometimes, when I fart around my wife and she acts disgusted, I tell her that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. But in all honesty, I could have held it in. I just decided not to.

(4) I wish my wife would wear clothes that were more form fitting and shorts that showed off more of her legs. So when “helping” my wife purge clothes for a garage sale, I said “gotta go” to 99% of her capri pants and knee-length shorts.

(5) When my wife works at night, and I’m left alone to take care of our toddler, she pretty much gets to do anything she wants. I just supervise to make sure there’s no real danger.

(6) Sometimes when my wife and I are making love, I think of other people. But not in a sexual way. I think of them laughing at me and making fun of me as motivation for a better performance.

(7) Although I feel bad sometimes when my wife mows the grass, I thoroughly enjoy watching her.

(8) My wife is the accountant and financial manager for our family, even though I work in finance. Mostly because the last thing I want to do at the end of a day of looking at numbers and calculating finances is do it some more when I’m home. But she also might be better at it than I am. I’m not sure if I’m ready to admit that yet.

(9) My wife insists that if she were to die, I would be totally lost without her and not know how to manage the house. She is correct. Not only is she my loving wife, but she’s also my life coach and personal assistant.

(10) My wife has on several occassions suggested that if she were to die, I would more than likely bring a new girlfriend to her funeral. Once again, she is probably correct, but only if there are a lot of candidates and the interview process goes extremely well. As stated before, I have a dire need for a life coach and personal assistant. That, and our daughter would need a mother figure in her life because she certainly doesn’t need to learn life lessons from me.

(11) I live a relatively stress-free, blissful life, but only because my wife harbors enough stress for the both of us. A contributing factor could also be the old adage “ignorance is bliss“; and there are lots of things I’m ignorant of.

(12) I sometimes “have to take a poop” just to have some alone time. I don’t mind being trapped in a room with my own filth.

(13) I’m afraid of making my wife angry. She’s already demonstrated Hurculean strength in “playful” altercations.

(14) I sometimes watch “our” shows by myself and pretend I haven’t seen them when we watch them together. I’m pretty good at pretending I’ve never seen the episode.

(15) I’ve used my wife’s toothbrush on several occasions. It feels good because (a) her toothbrush hasn’t been destroyed from all the violent brushing mine has received and (b) it’s soooooooo wrong.

(16) I sometimes pick my nose and flick the boog on the floorboard of my wife’s car. I have no real reason why I do this outside of “just because”.

(17) I have never worn my wife’s undergarments… but I have thought about it. Twice.

(18) Despite my vehement objections, I like watching girly movies. So long as they don’t feature Katherine Heigl. That broad is super annoying.

(19) I would be okay with my wife cheating on me with one of the Ryan’s (Reynolds or Gosling). In fact, if given the opportunity, I would encourage her to do it on the condition that she either (a) get video evidence so I can enjoy it, too or (b) if video were not allowed, she would have to recount every graphic, sweat dripping detail with me for the same reason. I would expect the same treatment for myself and the Kate’s (Upton or Beckinsale*).

(20) I could be secretly gay for the Ryan’s. But ONLY for the Ryan’s.

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* I don’t care how old she gets. I’d copulate with her in her nursing home.

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