Alpha / Writies

Manly Recipes: RIBS


alphawolfOne of the best parts of summer is grilling outside. As a man, it’s the manliest way for you to cook food for your family. This series is designed to help the modern Model Husband find easy, manly recipes that will allow them to both feed their family and impress their loved ones with their culinary skills. No need to thank us. It’s part of our philanthropic endeavors.

Since the dawn of man, man has consumed ribs and LOVED IT. How else can you explain the widespread popularity of the McRib?

What better way to celebrate the day America declared its independence from tyrannical rule (and fish n’ chips… YUCK) than by grilling up some delicious ribs for you, your family and friends (but mostly YOU, amiright?).

I know what you’re thinking.

“But BILL, ribs take FOREVER to make! I don’t have that kind of time! I’ve got shiz to blow up!”

Fear not, dear reader. For I have heard your cries and I am here to give you a ribs recipe that is both delicious AND easy to make on the grill.

… You can stop your pelvic thrusting now.

Fun Fact: The author completely understands why you’re pelvic thrusting right now.

I’m giving you this recipe because every man deserves to eat delicious, delectable ribs. It’s engrained in our caveman DNA, and who are we to deny our unalienable right for life, liberty, and the pursuit of a good rib-fueled coma*?

Fun Fact: This recipe is easy because I’m lazy as sin. If I were a superhero, I’d be SUPER-LAZY-MAN. Although, I don’t know how I could be regarded as a superhero since I wouldn’t get off my ass to do a thing. My superpower would be an amazing ability to give zero fugs. My weakness? Ambitionite.

Most rib recipes call for you to pressure cook ribs for a few hours so the meat will fall off the bones. WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?!? Not this guy. I want those ribs, and I want them FAST. I don’t have time to sit around and wait a few hours to tenderize the meat in a pressure cooker.

Using a pressure cooker just adds to the work you have to do in rib preparation. I can understand why; the logic in using a pressure cooker is that precooking the ribs will make the meat fall off the bones, thus saving you work to get the meat off the bones and eat faster.

I can appreciate the logic of allowing me to gorge myself as quickly as possible, but here’s a dirty little secret the pressure cooker manufacturers don’t want you to know…

Rib meat is pretty easy to get off the bone.

I’ve had the pleasure of tasting pressure cooked ribs and non-pressure cooked ribs and here is what I’ve found: ribs that have been treated in a pressure cooker taste less manly. WAY less manly. In fact, I think the idea of pressure cooking ribs came from a woman who complained too many times about having to gnaw on rib bones to get her fill of meat.

Another problem with pressure cooking ribs? Sometimes you cook them too long and the meat falls off the bone before you can even grill it. THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF RIBS!!!!!! Not only will pressure cooking probably tenderize the meat to the point of falling off before you start grilling it, but it will tenderize the bones so much so that you could get a big mouthful of cow/pig bone. NO ONE wants that. Bones are the things we throw away/give to the animals/wear around our neck to demonstrate what good providers we are to the ladies; you’re not supposed to EAT them.

So don’t tenderize your ribs. It’s just… UNAMERICAN. Even though pressure cooking your ribs could help you eat them faster, I’ve never thought to myself “Man, this is entirely too much work” while eating ribs. The act of eating ribs is enjoyable and pleasurable, why try to decrease the amount of time you spend eating them? If you have to take a few extra minutes to strip every bit of deliciousness off the bone, that’s just extra time you get to enjoy the company of this grill favorite.

And in case you’re wondering, I REALLY love ribs. So much so that I remember crying when I saw Rocky punching ribs when he was training in the meat freezer. So sad…


What You’ll Need.

  • A Fred Flintstone size slab of ribs. DO NOT SKIMP ON THE RIBS AND GET THE SMALLER PACKET. You will immediately regret it once you start eating. If I ever find an all-you-can-eat rib place, I’ll know that I’ve died and gone to heaven because this would be the worst business idea EVER. You’d go bankrupt in a week.
  • The LARGEST can of Weber BBQ seasoning you can find (maybe even multiple cans depending on how many ribs you bought). Personally, I prefer the Smoky Mesquite seasoning, but I have yet to try their Chicken and Rib seasoning or Classic BBQ. Check out all of Weber’s seasoning options here.
  • A Costco amount of BBQ sauce. My personal preference is either Honey BBQ or Jack Daniels BBQ sauce, but I know everyone has their own preference. Go with what feels right.
  • A grill. If you didn’t know you needed a grill, GTFO.
  • TONGS!
  • BEER! It’s the Fourth of July, you should be drunk. The Founding Fathers would have wanted it no other way. If you’re not drunk, THE TERRORISTS WIN.
  • A beer-dispensing helmet. The original hands free device. Preferably painted in patriotic colors.
  • A large knife. The kind Michael Myers would appreciate.
  • A bowl and brush (to apply the BBQ sauce).
  • A “Kiss the Cook” apron (NOT a “Kiss the C*ck” apron).

What To Do.

Using your Michael Myers knife, cut the Fred Flintstone sized rack of ribs into smaller portions of ribs. This will make the ribs easier to divvy up amongst your family and friends, and make it easier to both cook the ribs and flip them when they’re ready.

Ribs have two sides; the inside and the outside. The inside is kind of smooth and doesn’t really have porous meat to season. I’ve read that you can remove the membrane off of the inside of the ribs, but I have yet to try it. You’re more than welcome to try, but that will just delay the grilling process and result in you waiting longer before you can DEVOUR THOSE RIBS.

Ideally, take the Weber seasoning and rub it on the ribs. Do the inside and the outside if you want, but I try to focus more on the outside rib meat first since the seasoning will stick to it a lot easier than it will the inside meat.

Now that you’re done seasoning the ribs, it’s time to start drinking. Take your handy beer-dispensing helmet, insert two open beers into the holders, place the drinking straws in the beers, put the helmet on your head, place the mouth piece in your mouth, and enjoy! Now you’re double clutching, but still have your hands free to grill!

Speaking of, turn your grill on. Make sure you clean your grill with a grill brush or other contraption that scrapes off the left over food from the last time you used it. As delicious as that Beer Can Chicken was when you made it, you don’t want the chicken taste to contaminate your ribs. THAT’S RIB-BLASPHEMY.

If you have a thermometer on your grill, make sure the grill surface is a cool 300 to 450 degrees Farenheit. Place the ribs on the grill, outside meat down. With the inside meat facing up, take some of the seasoning and sprinkle it on. Close the grill cover.

The grill will get so hot that the seasoning you just put on the inside meat should bake itself into the ribs. Let the ribs cook on that side for 5-10 minutes. Check them every couple of minutes to make sure they’ve not caught on fire, as ribs contain a fair amount of fat that has a propensity to fuel a fire that could engulf your ribs. That situation is no bueno.

Before you flip your ribs for the first time, put on your “Kiss the Cook” apron (not your “Kiss the C*ck” apron, you sick sonofabitch) and SLATHER THOSE RIBS UP WITH SOME BBQ SAUCE WHILE SINGING GOD BLESS AMERICA. Your BBQ sauce should have already been dispensed into a large bowl by your loving wife/girlfriend and given to you while you were tending to the grill (and food) like the wonderful provider you are. Undoubtedly, you will forget to have the brush with you to slather the sauce on, so just go to the sliding glass door and ask that lovely broad of yours to pass it to you.

Make sure you thank her, you drunk sonofabitch!

Now that you have your brush, the sauce, and a slab of ready, willing, and able ribs, PAINT THOSE BABIES UP.  I mean go nuts with the BBQ sauce, Michelangelo. No one likes a rack of ribs where the Grill Master™ went skimpy on the BBQ sauce. THAT’S UNAMERICAN!! So seriously, go nuts. The apron will protect your patriotically-themed attire… WHICH YOU SHOULD HAVE ON OR THE TERRORISTS WIN!

After you’ve painted those luscious ribs, flip them over with the tongs. Take your BBQ sauce and slather the outside meat excessively. In fact, every time you flip the ribs (which you’ll do several times to make sure they reach a nice brown color and are cooked through), you should paint the ribs that are facing you with sauce.

I can’t stress this enough, DON’T GO LIGHT ON THE BBQ SAUCE. If you do, THE TERRORISTS WIN.

Fun Fact: Terrorists hate BBQ sauce.

Ideally, the ribs are done when the smell is too much to bear… or the internal temperature of the ribs is 165 degrees Farenheit. The total amount of time it should take to cook your ribs to the point they are safe for consumption; anywhere between 30 and 45 minutes. Total time it would have taken had you pressure cooked them? AN ETERNITY.

When the ribs are done, remove them from the grill with your trusty tongs (don’t use your hands you drunk sonofabitch, you’ll get burned). Place them on a large serving plate (ideally, an old cookie sheet or fork lift would be best… depending on how many ribs you bought) and take them inside where all your friends and family will marvel at how delicious they look and smell.

Before serving, slather the ribs with some room temperature BBQ sauce. This will help cool the ribs so people can enjoy them immediately and not burn the inside of their mouth**. Make extra BBQ sauce available to your friends and family to meet the needs of the sauce-o-philes***.

Eat those ribs. Eat them good. Eat them for America. Eat them for freedom. Eat them so you have energy to blow some shiz up later that night. Eat them, because if you don’t, THE TERRORISTS WIN.

Happy Birthday, America! F**K YEAH.


* Ribs will put you to sleep. Not quite as easily as Thanksgiving turkey will, but it’ll do the job. Your rib-fueled slumber will be both peaceful and orgasmic… possibly even euphoric.

** This has happened to the author on several occasions because he enjoys food a bit too much.

*** A new word coined here to describe someone who receives sexual pleasure from BBQ sauce.

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